What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Winning Them Back
(This post is for husbands to read and for wives to comment)
Recently I got a note from a dad whose wife has turned cold. Actually, I get them all the time.
He needs your advice. How should he approach a wife who is hurt, bitter, and about to toss in the towel? What should he do and what should he NOT do? How much space should he give his wife (who has asked for a lot) and when should he stand firm?
By the way, this is not just for him but all of us husbands. There have been times when I know my wife felt some of those hurt feelings…and needed me to fight for her. But like most husbands, I just wasn’t sure what she needed from me most. I’d love to hear your heart on the matter and I know many other husbands would as well.
Be real…painfully real,
Todd
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He should find out how he offended his wife and repent, ask forgiveness, and stop the offensive behavior (if you need help to stop, get it). That is step #1.
She needs to seek Christ and pray for the strength to forgive, repent of her bitterness, and allow God to begin healing her marriage…however long it takes.
He should NOT act stubbornley and refuse to admit guilt or failure. Regardless of who is ‘right’ or who is ‘wrong’. Nor should he ever, ever give up.
Be around succesfull, Godly marriages. Pair up with a mature, Christian older couple that have been married a long time. Take them to dinner, meet with them one on one, learn how they got through tough times in their marriage.
Most importantly, seek quality, biblical marriage counseling immediatly even if his wife refuses to go.
Aside from that, he must pray constantly and seek God in His Word.
It is his responsibility to do all he can do to save his marriage…he can’t control how she responds. The rest is up to the Holy Spirit’s work in his wife.
I can so relate. In my case, it was my husband who pulled away first — and I know why. His mother was one of those resilient, amazing, wonderful Italian wives/moms who could literally handle anything, work with anything, and eke out a living from a rock. He constantly compared me to her. Not a day went by I wasn’t compared. He punished me mentally and emotionally in every way imaginable. We homeschool our kids. His draining me of my stamina while homeschooling was the straw that broke my back.
Now I have withdrawn. I spent the early years making him #1; now my kids are #1 — just what the books say not to do — but I have to stay sane.
He doesn’t seem to care.
First, I find when a husband says, “I don’t really know what to do first to help her”, perhaps he hasn’t really studied his wife. He doesn’t really know her, he just has an ideal of what she is or what she needs. This wife sounds like she has had enough. Maybe she has asked for his help and the husband doesn’t respond or think that is where she needs assistance. Maybe she wants to be more than a bedroom ‘helper’, wants to be loved for who she is in all other areas. What he should do is find out why she is hurt and really listen to what she says without making excuses. Love her like Christ loved the church- sacrificially. When a husband does not expect anything in return, but loves his wife in a way that is meaningful to her (here is where studying her is helpful) then she will eventually respond. It will most likely take a long time from your description of the situation. He will need to persevere and most likely make a total change. (He can’t go back to his old, comfortable ways if she returns to him) She has to believe that he is a new man. One that loves her for who she is and recognizes what she needs. She may need tenderness (no strings attached), understanding, help with the children, etc. Not knowing what exactly is the problem here it is hard to address, but sacrificial love is essential. What not to do? Don’t give up, don’t belittle her. Also, the advice of Gracepro (above) is good, too.
I recommend he do “The Love Dare” on his wife.
I don’t know what he did or didn’t do to “cause” her hurt feelings. But if he LOVES his wife then he has chosen to love her. Love is a decision and it isn’t dependent on her. LOVE is action not reaction. 1Corinthians 13 is a beautiful picture of love but it NEVER says “if.” Love is patient (if he/she is patient with me). Love is kind (if he/she is kind first). Is that what it says? No. But that IS what the world says. He (and all of us) have to take our definition from God not what we see all around us. God loved us enough to send His son to die…there was nothing “feel good” about that.
How is it possible that this guy has no idea what has hurt his wife so badly that she’s completely shutting down to him?? I don’t mean to be critical, but this doesn’t make much sense to me…
If she’s this close to the end, he needs to do WHATEVER it takes. Take a week off of work and spend it with her, trying to talk and work it out??? Or even a day off work? Give her some of HIMSELF, being willing to hear whatever it is she has to say, as a first step.
The Christian movie “Fire Proof” might give him some ideas.
Obviously something has caused her to act this way. First step is asking forgiveness and, if possible, getting rid of the problem. I would suggest he get christian counseling even if his wife won’t go and BE HONEST! Pray, pray pray! Put her first, stand up for her, do not say anything ill of her to others(including discussing your/her problems other than in counseling), encourage your children to honor, obey and love her. Personally, I would say go ahead and give her the space she asks for but keep doing things that you know would make her happy and make her life easier. (fix the faucet, bring home flowers for the table, clean up after dinner) Eventually she might feel some sense of responsibility to make things right with you. Most women don’t do these things for no reason. Find out the problem and address it. If you are doing all you can to love her as Christ loved the church, God will bless that. Only he can change her heart.
Listening without interruption can do wonders. Don’t get upset. The things she says may not exactly be what she means. For me sometimes when I am trying to explain an issue or how I feel with my husband I know he does not understand in the same way I am meaning it. It helps to remember that you do love each other and you don’t want to hurt each other, although it does happen. Sometimes just being there holding/hugging and listening without a judging attitude can help one to see through the hurt and pain and on to the beginning of healing. Take responsibility for your part in the problem and make sure she knows that you know that each has a fault in it, it is not all one person’s fault. Remind her how much you care for her, what you love about her and how you appreciate her. Keep God number 1, remember Satan is against families. He wants your family to fall apart and steal your children from not only you, but Christ. Court your wife again. Pray for your wife, yourself, your marriage, your children, your family. See if you can get her to honestly tell you what the problem is and then go from there.
I found myself in the same situation several years ago. We are still together, but only because of a lot of work. We found exceptional Christian counseling and have been at it for all these years on and off. There’s an easy fix. He needs to repent and she needs to forgive. But that can take a long time to accomplish. My guess is that there are tons of “stuff” to wade through, therefore lots of things to repent of and forgive. One thing at a time. This lady hasn’t left the marriage totally, so there must still be a strong sense of commitment. That is paramount on both sides. Seek good counsel both in prayer and in person immediately.
What saved our marriage and softened my heart was getting to know who God is. I don’t mean spout off the typical trite answers, but really get to know His character. I went through the notebook offered on this site in their store. http://www.prassoministries.com and by the time I was done, I could no longer point a bitter finger. In the light of knowing God better, I knew I needed to work on me…God could change my husband. I just needed to trust Him and choose to obey Him instead of following my feelings. If you could afford the DVD lessons, it’d be even better.
Spend a day in her shoes. I recently had to leave my husband with our 4 older kids for 6 days while I attended a family funeral across the country. I took the baby with me. I left a schedule of our days, including a pared-down homeschooling schedule. I included how much laundry needs to be done so that no one was naked by the end of the 6 days. I’m talking bare (no pun intended) minimums all around. When I got back, one of the first things my husband told me was how much better he appreciated what my days are like. He wondered that I get anything done at all. And he wasn’t even caring for the 6 month old. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. I too often felt compared to my late mother-in-law, who kept an impeccable home and still worked full-time. I feel that my husband is trying to understand and know me better now, rather than wondering why nothing is getting done. Now he wonders at anything getting done. A world of difference!
Pray. Pray. And pray some more. Ask God to show you what you are doing wrong and to change her heart. Never give up. Never walk away even when you want to. Make her feel loved even when she won’t allow it. If you messed up tell her, admit it and say sorry. Every woman wants to feel loved but what makes each woman feel loved is different. For some it is actions, for others the words. That part you will have to find out from her or God. She may also feel really guilty about something she did and she feel s unworthy of your love. I know I felt like I was to blame when our marriage was falling apart. I was too fat, too messy, I spent too much money, I just knew it was all my fault and if I just did this or that better he would love me again. Then I got bitter because if he really loved me he would love me no matter what my faults were. Thing is he never stopped loving me but it took God to make me see it. So the bottom line is pray. Trust God will fix it. It may take a while but it will be worth it in the long run. This is going to be a tough time and you are going to feel like quitting and moving on. DON’T. Keep pushing through. God will walk you through, he will never leave you. My husband and I never gave up, he more than me for sure. Now that the bitterness and pain are gone I see how he stood by and let me work it through. I was dealing with other issues that needed to be resolved before I would allow anyone to love me. I can see now he was the patient one, the one who really loved. I know it was not easy on him but I could not push him away no matter how hard I tried. That I think is real love. My prayers are with you. AS someone who has been where you are there will eventually be a light at the end and it will be worth it. Keep fighting for her and your marriage.
I would suggest the husband buy the Prasso Ministries DVD and workbooks mentioned above and offer to go through it TOGETHER. She may really appreciate his effort to care for her and his spiritual well being.
I’m so sorry to hear this is happening to this couple. That is so painful! I think this husband should pray about it first… and then humbly approach his wife, telling her he’s not sure what’s happened to them, but assuring her that he loves her and wants her and wants to improve the relationship. Give her time and gently encourage her to express what’s on her mind/heart… the truth of what’s going on inside her (which may be hard for her to express if she’s a “stuffer” like me)… but for the husband to just listen without excuses or defensiveness. This will likely take a sizeable chunk of time, so finding someone to care for the kids for the day would be advisable.
I recommend they commit to going through the book “Love and Respect” (by Emerson Eggerichs) together. They will discover that this situation is NOT all his fault (and he should not be chastised for not knowing exactly what’s going on). My husband and I are going through the book right now, after some distance has crept into our relationship, and it is really making a difference!! (And, from a woman’s perspective, I can tell you A LOT more goes on in my head than my husband would know… so this may be the case for this husband and wife.)
Praying for this couple right now…
Danielle,
Yep! 🙂 And I’ll bet your mother in law didn’t homeschool, did she? Neither did mine.
Guys….THE WORST thing you can do is compare your wife to your mother. Now, your wife probably won’t leave; she’s committed and loves you. But sure as shooting, you will finally be relegated to #3 or #4 in her life solely so she can maintain her equilibrium and not go insane with misery trying to keep you #1 when you simply won’t be pleased.
The kids will then come first. And you will have only yourself to blame.
This thing goes both ways. I can only speak for myself, but I really don’t expect my husband to come home and help me in the sense of washing dishes, bathing kids, or even doing school — although there are areas of school in which he is definitely more patient, so he does help with those aspects. What I want and have repeatedly asked for are kind words, some hugging and kissing and in general, please just be tender, gentle and kind. These apparently are too difficult for him to give, so I gave up.
We have five children ages eight, six, four, three and seven months. They are in that precious stage of life and do more than make up for their father’s inability to be loving…my little boys cover me with kisses and tell me I’m the best Mommy ever, so I’m content.
But guys, I’d be willing to bet that is key – wives shouldn’t have to do all the learning about you, you do have a responsiblity to learn about her.
Communication is KEY to a healthy relationship. To FIND OUT what’s wrong, ask her!
Try this: “I feel awful about the state of our relationship and I want to do whatever it takes to bring us back to the closeness we used to share. Can we talk about it?”
Be completely sincere with your own feelings and pay close attention to what she says. Just listen and be honest with yourself. Nichole has some great suggestions on listening. Just get the lines of communication open and keep them that way. As long as you’re both talking, things can change for the better.
Great advice above! Ask her how you can pray for her. Take time to discuss the problem…do A LOT of listening. Trusted Christian counseling. Pray together. Spend time with her…put her second only to God. Ask her what you can do to help with home, kids, schooling; better yet, just do it if you know what would be helpful! I agree that Satan is trying to break up families…don’t let him!!
DON’T TRY TO GUESS WHAT SHE’S THINKING. Pray! Then ask her, try to understand, & don’t give up. Get help, whether from a good book, church counselor, some sort of accountability. Sounds like both need to humble themselves and forgive each other- or by not doing anything, accept where the behavior will lead if it continues.
It is hard to be on the outside looking in, and give good advice, because it invariably comes across as judgmental and rude. There is some great advice already on here. I do know love covers a multitude of sins, forgiveness gives a clean feeling, and yet the talk of the lips tends to poverty if there is no labor involved, and if you want to keep, you give your life away as Jesus taught. It wouldn’t be right to mirror things in my situation onto them. Every relationship is totally unique in some ways, but here are some things to think on.
Generally:
First, most problems can be traced back to pride, selfishness, laziness, anger, or idolatry.
Many of these things show up in communication or lack thereof. What a man considers to be communicating is often not the same as what the wife deems it to be. Seeds sown will germinate
and bring a huge crop whether good or bad. If the crop they are producing is a hurtful or bad one, begin to sow good seed right now, and be prepared to reap from before. Bear it patiently, man up, and except that YOU SOWED THOSE SEEDS. IT IS, at least in part, YOUR FAULT. Quit blame shifting or trying to wiggle out of the results of your bad choices, seek God and begin to purposefully sow good seeds this minute, as Him for mercy and grace as you reap.
Up close here are some things:
Many times an apology seems to only be given to lay down fire cover so one can keep doing whatever they want to be doing. After the ‘make up’ is complete, one continues to be selfish, unconcerned, demanding of perfection from all others in their life while they themselves exhibit absolutely no desire to improve their own character, and angry. When it happens consistently, there can be no trust, and the woman, quite bluntly, if she is the one being treated this way, feels every part of her is just being used. Her body, her time, her work, everything is at the selfish person’s disposal. The more she gives, the more they take, and there is no way out of this prison. This is often how a man comes across to his wife. If you have been a selfish lout, don’t start with an apology, as you have already exhausted this resource and made it only a cheap trick to get some skin time in her eyes. By your own dishonesty in saying something, but not putting forth any effort to change, over time, you lose your privilege to her trust.
This is where you need to start. Shut your yap and get to work. In love, (that is, expecting no return, appreciation, comment, or even to be noticed.) Do. Love is giving, not just talking about how much you love. Notice her, and study her. If it is this icy, she has given up, but it probably hasn’t been without a lot of warnings sounding previously. No, it isn’t a giant fit in order to get her way. Think about the past few years. Get a notebook. Go to a quiet place, like the library or where you can be pretty much alone. Just you and God. Now write it all down. I know, most men hate to write, but it makes you accountable when it is there in black and white.
Think hard. Write down: What has she continually been trying to communicate with you about? What have been her fears? Her trials? Constant irritants? Has she been depressed? Tired? Stressed? Has she asked you to do something around the house that you don’t think is a big deal, so haven’t done? Are there issues in her extended family? Who are her closest friends? What kind of people are these friends? Why do you think she is drawn to them/ connects with them/ considers them noteworthy as confidants? What are her goals? What are her ambitions? Dreams? Favorite things? (flower, food, color, relaxation technique, hobbies,etc. Look up some ’20 questions to ask your friend questions’ if you need more help with this one. Answer them about your wife) What have you told her are your expectations in life? Now look over your list. Not to be harsh, but most husbands have no clue on the answers to many of these things. They were constantly gathering this type of information before they were married, but now, if they are real, after looking at this exercise, they would have to say they don’t know their wife much anymore as a person. That, my friend, is why you are where you are. She is still a person. She is supposed to be dwelt with according to knowledge, protected – to include her thoughts and emotions – and treasured. She needs you to treat her as your best friend, not a maid who happens to offer other benefits as well without pay.
In a home school situation it is often that a wife wants to be a godly woman following her husband’s lead. She prays, considers, and tries to bring things to her man for him to help her with, and he promptly leaves her to fend for herself. Offering no direction, no support,even criticizing what she spends on curriculum, how she organizes, the slop she feeds her family, how she spends her time, her teaching style, etc. while at the same time he distinctly takes the attitude that it is her thing. No, she is doing it in your stead. She is doing your job for you while you are at work or whatever. It isn’t her job, it is her responsibility to carry out your wishes to the best of her ability, but you are to be teaching the kids. If your boss told you to do a job, but gave you no specifics, no directions, no plans, but then fired you for not doing it right,you would say he was a jerk, along with some other names. Look in the mirror. That is what you are doing to her DAILY if you provide no leadership for her.
Now that you have your list, look over it again. Anything else come to mind that is connected to something you’ve already written? Next, begin to act. If you don’t know, find out. Humble yourself and ask her friends what has been on your wife’s mind if you have to. Listen, watch, learn. When something happens at home, watch her face. Does it twinge? Could it be that is one of her irritants playing out? You are the man. Fix the problems. Provide her favorite things, protect her in front of the kids, give her a hand. It would be worth it for you to even take holiday from your job so you can be home actively working on things. Isn’t she worth this much to you? Won’t God honor your humility and provide your physical needs as you seek to make things right? He has given to us the ministry of reconciliation. When she begins to warm up, or even talk in the least, add what she says to your notebook to consider before the Lord later. Pray for Him to give you insight as to where the roots of these words are, as some of them may not be pretty at first. Don’t deflect, argue, or fight against them. Accept them humbly and consider.
These are starters, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. Remember, you have sown a lot of seed. Faithfully remedy, baby steps, soon you will see progress. Keep your eyes on the Lord and your wife. Put those relationships above any others, including the kids, in a very visible way. Walk with the King, and I will pray for you all that soon you will be walking in harmony with your wife again as well.
Her heart is hardened through hurt and her spirit has turned away from him out of protection. I have been there. He needs to create an environment where she feels it is safe to tell him what the hurt is and that he will really listen. No judgements. No defenses up. In the meantime, he needs to prepare himself spiritually to hear it and respond. He needs to let her know that he is not going anywhere and he is willing to do whatever it takes to convince her of his love and committment to her and the family. They really need a good counselor, intense prayer, and the faith to walk through this thing to the other side. She needs to see hope again. He needs to model that for her. Pray for grace and mercy to fill the home and their hearts. God is able to do more than you can imagine. I am coming through the other side and seeing the results of a God who can restore life to the dead. I pray that they will have a story of redemption to share to the generations- beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for mourning. Also, she may need to talk with her physician about meds for depression. It really made a difference with me. I wasn’t suicidal- but my world had lost hope, warmth, and color.
First of all, you men all know exactly how to win a woman’s heart – you did it once before. And far too many of you think you’re done winning our hearts when we say “I do.” Get busy doing the things you did when you were courting her, and you will make your wife feel loved and valuable again. With this specific relationship, I recommend starting very slowly – as though you just met her for the first time.
Sometimes, I withdraw from my husband, too. There have been severe hurts in our marriage, and even though I have forgiven him and it was years ago, the memory is still fresh and painful. Certain attitudes in my husband trigger these painful memories – and leave me feeling like our marriage just isn’t worth the struggle anymore. From my husband’s perspective, I’m sure it seems random sometimes – or like I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. As far as he’s concerned, those past hurts are ancient history – BUT he isn’t the one who was injured!
If you were driving and caused an accident that left your wife in a wheelchair, wouldn’t you devote yourself to helping her cope? Sometimes the hurts of marriage cause injuries that need just as much compassion and tenderness.
Pray for her, for yourself, the children and the relationship.
Listen, really listen and listen again! -no buts or excuses or quick fixes. Truly from the heart try to change what is going wrong and work together to make things better. Always remembering to spend time together, listening and understanding.
Often resentment is pushed under the carpet for a long time before it surfaces so the bitterness may run very deep but it time, even deep wounds can heal.
Trying to quick fix a deep problem in a flippant way (like giving a bunch of flowers before really listening, talking and understanding the problem) can be very annoying but is ok as a start to heal wounds once the problem is out in the open and other real change is going to happen.
I haven’t read all the comments you’ve received so far, but my first thought when I read your note was, “How old is this lady?” Because this situation sounds alot like it “could be” a hormonal / thyroid situation. I don’t mean that to sound over-simplified, like “just take a pill and everything will be fine.” But that could be PART of the problem. And not knowing much more about the situation, it’s hard to tell. But having been in a similar situation….I realized that ‘leaving’ would end up causing much more hurt, and more problems than staying. Which put the “need to change” back on me. I started exercising more, did some health research, got myself physically healthier — and that helped me be emotionally healthier. And realizing that love is a verb, not a feeling….sometimes you have to ‘act like’ you love your husband to ‘feel like’ you love your husband. Nichole, above, had some great advice! I did notice that no one had yet brought up any health-type issues, so I thought I’d add my 2 cents worth on that viewpoint.
Oh, how I will pray for this family. I, too, have walked in these shoes, though in my situation, I did not have a husband who even asked how he could help – instead, he walked away.
I would encourage this husband to create an environment where his wife feels safe and valued. And then, listen. I will pray for them both – that they are willing and able to open their hearts once again to each other and to the love of God that surrounds them. Prayers for all.
He should listen to the CD “Only Men” from No Greater Joy ministries. http://www.nogreaterjoy.org (it costs $6.95)
I pray The Lord uses this to help.
1.PRAY! God is the only one who can truly help get this resolved.
2. Get the book “The Love Dare” from the movie Fireproof and do everything it says. It took time to get to this point, it might take some time to get it right.
3.NEVER, NEVER, NEVER give up on winning her back. When she sees that he will not give up on her, it should not take long for her heart to come to terms and mend the relationship.
My husband and I had a pretty rough 2010. For the first time in my life I actually felt like I went through a small depression. I have never been one to be depressed. Anyway at some point something clicked in me and I knew I either needed to speak up to my husband about things that he would say or do that would wound my spirit and maybe some other ladies can chime in on this but even though I could forgive him, the part of my mind that’s connected to my body would take longer to want to enjoy being with him. So then I got the ‘guilt trip’ about not being romantic but I believe for a woman we can’t just turn physical emotions on and off like men can. It’s almost like you have to shut off a part of yourself to survive and be there for your children, right?!
Well, I started speaking up, he started speaking back. Believe me, there have been some rough patches. But I am more faithful now to speak up when something is bothering me and have asked him to do the same to avoid the walls that get built up. Also, may I say that if you homeschool at the end of the day it is helpful to have some personal, no expectations downtime!!!
After I put the kids to bed if I can just have about 30 minutes – hour of time to do something as silly as watching a TV show or reading I have more to ‘give’ later. I have a feeling this is what has happened to this lady. I pray her husband will give her room to speak up and just vent. Yes women repeat things, say the same thing 5 different ways and probably talk way too much about something but it sounds like she could use a good venting.
First of all, are they are Christian couple? They could get some help from Dr. S.M. Davis (Solve Family Problems). This is a spiritual battle, and the enemy is real. Satan hates families, especially Christian families. He will do all he can to destroy the family. If I could get to talk with his wife, I’d give her a copy of “Created to Be His Help Meet” by Debi Pearl. It changed my life, and consequently our marriage, for the better. You cannot change your man. All you can do is change your response to your man and pray, pray, pray. Respond in a way that is pleasing to the Lord Jesus Christ. Anything else BLASPHEMES His name. Jesus loves families; He created them. I will pray for this marriage.
When I feel hurt, I want to know that my husband cares that I feel hurt, sees it as a big deal, wants to understand me, wants to love me in spite of my hurt feelings and behavior. I know I should do agape, but in those times, maybe I’m just not tapping into the grace to love, to forgive. It’s important to me that he ask me how I’m doing. and even if I say give me space, he isn’t to wait until I come to him saying ‘ok, I’m ready to talk’. Check in again, maybe in some hours, or the next day. So often the way I show love is the way I want love shown. A husband can take the time to remember/reflect on how his wife typically shows her care and investment in the relationship. If she tends to ask how he’s doing, do the same. If she does little special things, do that. It’s the persistent loving acts that send the message “I love you no matter what’ and I thank that helps open the doors to honest communication about whatever the problem is.
okay, so I have been in a place like that and what I wanted more then anything even though I did not admit it at the time was for him to fight. I wanted him to be totally honest about what he had done to cause me so much pain and hurt; then I wanted to see him fight for me, fight for our marriage and lead us. You know the new song called “Lead Me”? Well that is what I wanted. I wanted him raw and real. I got what I wanted too. He totally confessed, humbled himself before the Lord and surrendered his life fully to His leading. Even though he had always been a christian those steps had not been fully taken. Once that happened he was so spiritually set free that he fell in love with the Lord and me all over again. It was such a beautiful mess. We wept and talked and wept and talked. We would stay up till the AM for many nights just talking it through. The biggest thing was prayer. We never did any talking without praying first. We wanted to see each other through Christ’s eyes. The eyes of truth. That meant embarrassment, honesty, confession, digging deeper then either of us naturally wanted to go. But once that door is unlocked to the Holy Spirit He can do miraculous things. A marriage can go from dead to alive. Don’t hold back from confessing the WHOLE truth. Don’t hold back from forgiving EVERYTHING. Don’t quit or turn away. Hold on to them, lay with them wherever they lay.(even if it means the hubby sleeps on the floor next to the couch until she caves). Above all else PRAY and seek the truth of God’s Word. Let Him set you free. Remember Whom the Son has set free is free in deed. And the truth is what sets you free. If there is even a little tiny bit of untruth on either side it prevents the true freedom. It may seem like telling the WHOLE truth will hurt the other one too much but that is a lie from the enemy. Telling a little lie hurts so much worse in the long run and will divide you. Let Him take down that middle wall and put you back together as one with nothing in the way.
Men just don’t get it. Women are so easy. They want time and appriciation but men just can’t give it. First, watch Fire Proof and then try your darnest to do WHATEVER IT TAKES!!! But remember, ultimately it is up to her to forgive. You need to pray and fast it is not to late! You guys out there, wise up and don’t take God’s gift for granted! Women are your partners in life, not your mothers or secretaries or child care providers. DO something with them, besides sex….
I would recommend that he read the book, The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. (This book changed my life!) It will help him understand how to meet his wife’s emotional needs. When our emotional needs are met, we feel loved, and when we feel loved, we feel secure enough within the relationship to begin working on the issues that are causing conflict in our lives.
I suggest the wife read Debi Pearl’s book Created to Be His Helpmeet.
I would rec’d that they both get couples counseling. There are obviously communication problems! I have a hard time believing he has no idea why she is acting this way. He could try asking? Also both should submit to a few biblical principles like not going to bed angry! Her behavior is not honoring the Lord nor her husband and it is not creating the type of environment healthy for the children who obviously see what is going on. As a child of divorce and now married, the kids pick up on the tension very fast. So she needs to let go of some of her pride, start communicating and he needs to own up to what he has done and get it talked out. Pouting, and sleeping in separate rooms won’t solve a thing. I like Holly’s suggestion too.
Michael,
The entire male species has not ruined any of our lives. We are just trying to figure it out and work around it so we can live normal lives.
Can you really find fault with that?
I have nothing to complain about — my husband makes a good living for us and I homeschool our kids. We have a very good employer/employee relationship which is what he wants. I have learned to accept that. I find great joy in my children. I’m sure the lady who has finally moved out of the bedroom has, too.
I read “Five Love Languages” and figured out what his language is. After I did that, our marriage got much better — in as much as we no longer fought and became amiable and good “friends” so to speak. He has never read the book, nor do I expect him to or think he ever will. It’s in the bookshelf if he ever wants to pick it up.
It would be nice, though, if he would take the trouble to learn mine before I’m too old to care anymore.
Vicky is right. We aren’t that hard to figure out. If you guys read “Help! I’m Married to a Homeschooling Mom” about 99% of your questions will be answered. Todd is RIGHT ON in that book! AMEN!
Well, there is no easy answer and I have to say that relationships, women, and even figuring out someone’s love language is not all that easy.
My advice would be to pray and ask God to show you if there is something you need to see in your life. Of course it goes without saying that you would apologize if you know what you did. More than likely it is what you did not do somewhere along the way. Think way back, what are things that your wife has asked from you that did not happen. Begin to act on those wherever possible.
Humbly ask what she needs and apologize for not knowing already if she does not want to tell you at first. You should be prepared for that response… don’t resent it…because it may be the fact that you don’t already know that made her move out of the bedroom in the first place.
Fight for her.
Ask if you can pray with her (but pray for healing and God’s grace and mercy).
Forget trying to figure out her love language for now (if he doesn’t know it already) – USE them ALL starting with the one that is HARDEST for you and the one you use the least. She probably needs them all anyway, but the one used the least is probably the one she is hungriest for. After you used all 5, start over and pay attention to which ones get a good response. Don’t expect a fantastic response the first time through because she may not be open until she knows you really mean it.
Fighting for your wife is worth it and if you humble yourself and pray then I believe there is hope.
It might not be his fault. That could be why he has no idea what he did. Maybe he didn’t do anything.
What can he do? Pray. It works. It works. It works.
Wow, RG! Great response! (I only read that far.) There are many good responses, actually. But many of the “good responses” are probably only relevant in this situation once there’s been a major change to show her that he’s serious about change. She probably didn’t quit, as several people said, suddenly. She’s probably been telling him a variety of things for a long time. My suggestion to him is just the first step, but I think it’s crucial:
GET SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP! If your church is one with an amazing counseling ministry, great, but most people don’t have that. Find a counselor you can trust – ask questions and make sure the counselor has a Biblical view of marriage, and any other things you want to know. But then, get consistent help yourself. Your counselor may ask to see her, too. Great! Ask her if she’d be willing, but FIRST show that you’re willing to seek help for your own stuff. If she’s already withdrawn, it’s probably because she doesn’t trust you anymore. She doesn’t trust you to change, she doesn’t think talking things through is worth anything, and she doesn’t believe your apologies. Get outside help and start changing. When she sees that changes seem to be lasting, she may be willing to take one step toward you.
And, as others have said, seek God in all this. Let Him tell you your part in all this. Be repentant – not just apologizing to her but on your face before the Lord of the Universe, Who loves both of you and desires intimate relationship with you. Seek Him to show you what to do toward her. Don’t give up. (I’m not saying things are all your fault, but you have to work on your end.)
But, what should you do right now? I think if you get some consistent, serious counsel and start to change, she might soften and be willing to try working at relationship with you again.
Be committed and consistent. Understand that it will take a lot longer to win her back after any offense has occurred. Pray. Ask her food/movie/TV choices and then do them joyously. Live w/ her in understanding. Help lighten the load of responsibilities. It will take a lot of time.
I can’t tell him why his wife has pulled away, but if we had a spare room I probably would have moved into it by now,and just to protect myself from being hurt anymore.Not physically, but because I love my husband so much…and even though I know in my head he loves me,it doesn’t show. So maybe she’s trying to protect herself. Does he really listen to her, hearing the words that come out of her mouth? No one just up and moves out of the bedroom without having said over and over and over what is bothering them, but has he heard her? Does he dismiss her words because he thinks they’re stupid? Does he hear her and respond, not in the way she asks, but in his way because he thinks it’s better. If she wants to cuddle, doing the dishes isn’t going to work. Think of the way you show love as money, if you use the wrong currency it’s not going to ‘buy’ anything. Don’t tell her to let you back in if you aren’t going to hear what she’s saying. My husband does that if I say anything..“I’m sorry. I’ll work on it. Don’t shut me out.” and it doesn’t change. At least she’s making it very plain where she’s at…he’s actually lucky in that respect. I just don’t bother trying to tell him anymore, my JOB is to take care of him and the house and our son and make sure they’re happy and keep up a good front…but I have my little wall and I don’t cry as much anymore. If he really thinks about it, he can probably figure out alot of the reason she did this…if he had ever bothered to hear her. Dan has a great response! Use the language you use least, it’s really spot on!
Reading through the comments above, I’m overwhelmed by the pain in the world…and by the fact that such pain is common to man. There are no pat answers. There is only love which covers a multitude of sins. In my own experience, sincere repentance goes a long way. If you don’t know what you’ve done, ask. Listen. Engage. And until she can believe in all your asking, engaging and repenting, serve her. Look for ways to love her practically. How does she receive love? Love her that way. “Greater love has no man than this, that he would lay his life down for his friends.” Love her with the love of Christ. It’s truly irresistible.
I have been married 27 years. We have had children 17years and homeschooled 12years.
The advice and solution goes completely against a man’s nature… it is hard for him to admit he is wrong when he is. Boys are raised to stand up for themselves, to fight to win, to solve the problem on their own and fast. THIS can NOT be done at this crucial moment in a marriage relationship.
So, he is going to need to go before the Lord and be humbled and empowered by Jesus to be the person his wife is needing for the healing process.
Bottom line: A wife who is cold as ice and removes her wedding ring is hurt. She feels separated already emotionally and she is showing it plain and clear now in a physical way.
The hurts can come from multiple areas, but one thing for certain whatever has caused the pain has driven a powerful wedge between she and her spouse.
Often it is directly the spouse. But also know that there are MANY factors that drive a wife to this point…. personal emotional issues, past hurts, conflict with her family or his, conflict with children, her church friends, financial stress or pressures to perform and keep up to an expectation.
So what is a husband to do?
1st and foremost he is to stop requesting or needing her to do for you… that is sex, dinner, laundry, chores, etc. She needs lots of time to heal and she needs to be tenderly taken care of by someone who is unselfish.
Step up to the plate! Show her that you CAN and WILL come to her rescue because you love her unconditionally. It matters not what she does… you love her!
If you can’t do it all yourself, hire a maid, or have the children pitch in to help but YOU hold them accountable.
My husband has been there- He says a husband in this situation needs to sit down and talk to his wife. He needs to apologize for anything he has done to hurt her. He needs to talk to her when she is ready… let her know that he is willing to listen to work it out, and it doesn’t matter if he is right.
As the wife begins to warm up to his unconditional love, she will show signs of tenderness, maybe even a smile…
Make certain she get a medical physical, and gets her yearly visit with an OB/GYN (lady doctor,not just baby doctor).
She needs to have time to be alone to develop her relationship with God, to read, to pray, to sip a drink without an interruption, to sleep through a night, to get a “vacation” from all the responsibilities in the life of a homeschool mom.
I have a few times checked into a nice local hotel for an afternoon and overnight to feel like a person again… to not be responsible for so much, to have time to think.
I LOVE when my husband asks me, “What do you need?” It is such a simple question but it is so important. Call her by her first name and ask her what she needs… this will help her feel like a person again. It is better than can I get you something…she can answer no, but what do you need sometimes gets her to think, hmmm, what do I need.
Encourage her when she attempts to take back her role of mom, wife, teacher, daughter, etc… every step is a beginning. Help her with the chores, cook with her, fold laundry with her, take the children to activities with her, call her just to see how she is doing, surprise her with little items or notes – like a cup of coffee in the morning, a fresh baked cookie with milk at night, a one stem rose on her pillow, a post-it on the mirror to say I love U, a empty dishwasher or sink, a foot soak/wash/lotion, a movie at home with popcorn and let her pick the flick.
Remember the little things add up to the biggest. Tell her she is beautiful, notice an outfit and complement her, thank her for working so hard and for being a good mom/wife, think about her good qualities and thank her for them, take her to breakfast or lunch and let her talk/share/etc, listen, turn off the tv, put down the paper or book, look in her face, support her to be who God created her to be.
And when she comes back to the bedroom, give her months of time if necessary before you even touch in a sexual way. Learn to kiss her on the forehead or cheek, to give non-sexual hugs, to sleep in the bed with you and not be concerned whether she is going to get to sleep or if she has another need to meet. Let her take the lead.
This is so important. She has to get to the point that physical intimacy is something she wants and needs – not something so does for her husband.
Marriages are hard work! Great marriages only come through selflessness and the power of God transforming both of you.
But God is good! If you surrender it all to Him, and unconditionally love you wife, He will restore her to you. Never throw the towel in, be committed until death do you part unto God. If you do, God will move and restore, and resurrect a marriage that is near death.
Hey Todd, woman to man: Michael’s attitude is the problem that the “jacked-up” women are referring to….Thanks Michael,
I rest my case!
Elizabeth – ditto for me. I’m pretty much at the point of not caring anymore. Todd – women are NOT easy to understand. Sorry gals. I’m a woman and some days I don’t understand myself! lol That being said, all the other’s advice (accept Michael’s) on praying, reading about Love Languages, etc., is all helpful. It’s gonna take a lot to get her back at this point. But our God is a great and faithful God! Do I hear an amen? 😀 Marriage is NOT 50/50, it’s each giving 100%. He’s obviously hurt her greatly (intentional or not), but if she is not willing to accept his wanting to change, then only God can work in her heart. Pray and pray and don’t give up. Love is a commitment, not a feeling.
Give Michael a break – he’s on here which shows how much he cares – maybe part of the problem in some cases is that we (women) don’t give the man in our lives the “benefit of the doubt” that we bestow on others. I know that isn’t always the case, but sometimes I think it is easy to cast judgment on intentions and thoughts without taking into consideration the motive – which is a problem that men and women both face equally.
My parents gave my husband and me THE LOVE DARE book, that came out of the movie FIREPROOF. Both good recommandations!! My husband enjoyed the movie, but it’s been hard for us to work thourgh the book. It’s not easy to change!!
Another thing we both enjoyed was watching LAUGH YOUR WAY TO A BETTER MARRAIGE. Google that and watch the clip on the website. It’s worth buying!!
I pray all goes well!!
Without God, 4 children, and an amazing couple to help us, my husband and I would either be divorced or well on our way in that direction. #1 – you can’t change if you don’t want to change and if you don’t see any reason to change (that goes for both the husband and the wife)
#2 – if you truly want to change find a couple that can help advise you and relate to the issues that are going on and that is willing to hold you accountable (this was done through prayer alone for us – 7 years of prayer and crying out) and I must say that the couple who has helped us work through things went to the extreme helping us, giving us the ability to separate ourselves unto God, an open door to their house and the ability to call whenever we needed. Countless hours they have spent praying for us, with us, counseling us, worshipping with us, and just going through life with us.
#3 – we went through books like Spiritual Housecleaning, and Love & Respect and I have to say those 2 books made a huge difference. After 3 hardcore months for us we were finally able to love and respect each other again – and our kids don’t even realize what we were going through. God is so awesome and able to all things and more than we can imagine. I think
#4 the hardest thing is to truly rely on God and his power to restore your family.
I just wanted to add in defense of my husband – much of what we went through was due to a lot of verbal and emotional abuse given by him. It wasn’t enough for him to apologize to me for it. I had to see that he meant what he said and was willing to seek help, be accountable, and continue to get the help he needed. Additionally, even when he started to change I couldn’t just accept that (I am of course not any more perfect than the next sinner). When we started listening to Love & Respect it talks about who should take the first step in loving or respecting, and the answer given is the person who is able to do so, or the person who is more mature. For several years of my marriage that was me and I did everything I could to try to improve things. But at the final straw I just couldn’t do that, I just was unwilling to try and be rejected again. It had to be my husband first, and it had to be him first for probably at least a month before I was convinced that he really loved me – and that was with me sometimes being very unloveable. We are happier than we have ever been in our entire marriage and all glory to God for answering and continuing to answer our prayers. I don’t usually post on things like this but my heart goes out to couples who are struggling because I know what it’s like. My husband didn’t wake up until I left with the kids. It was hard work and still is but with God all things are possible. Sorry if that sounds cliche but I have found it to be true because any woman (christan or not) would have left a long time ago.
I’d like to respond to Stephanie’s post about the husband pursuing the wife. Yes, many women would like to be pursued – for him to show her how much he’s serious about working on things. Yet, if I went to the couch to sleep and he followed me to lay on the floor next to me, I’d leave the house. If I’m desperate enough to need separation and he refuses to allow me space, he’ll push me out the door. It’s better to pursue like GOD does (think Hosea) – He’s always there, waiting for us to turn around to Him. But He respects our space, if that’s what we want.
It seems to me the biggest problem is lack of communication. Years ago when I got married my dear sweet mother told me her secret to communtication. She said to go out and talk over pie and coffee. Talking over issues in public somehow makes it easier. My husband and I have had to do this on occasion. It’s comforting to know that in a public place he can’t lose his temper and I’m forced to keep from getting hysterical-we’re then able to get to the heart of the matter.
I am in this exact situation right now. I haven’t figured out yet if a) my husband isn’t listening b) he doesn’t ‘get’ it c) he’s just stupid d) he’s (subconsciously) trying to get me to leave. I have gone over the problem with him (some in counseling) numerous times. So I can’t speak to this guy directly, I don’t have enough information, but here is the way I’d go. Save some therapy dollars (trust me, I’ve spent plenty) and use these questions we learned from a good Christian therapist:
(First of all, shut off your male brain. Listen. Write down her answers if you have to. Focus on what she says. Don’t interrupt or try to solve the problem immediately.)
1)How did I make you feel?
2)How did it hurt you?
3)What is it you want me to understand?
4)What is the most significant point?
5)What will it take for you to move past this?
6)Is there anything else you want to tell me?
7)Will you forgive me?
My most important suggestion would be to NOT give her lip service. Don’t say it unless you mean it and are 150% serious about following through. If you aren’t serious and don’t follow through, you are just eating away your trust with her, which will in turn make her pull away even further.
Good luck. I hope you have a good outcome.
I guess I count this as my chance to perch on the soapbox for a moment, so here goes:
1. Don’t focus on “her faults” in your thinking. What a huge trap, and it will sink your marriage. You can only change your own attitudes, and conduct, not hers. Instead of thinking of how SHE should change, or even how YOU should change… Put you focus on your corporate MARRIAGE first- before God. Your marriage is part of God’s will. Keep your focus there. It is a “we are One” sort of thing, not a he said/she said kind of thing.
2. Walk in humility. A wife picks up on pride with lightening precision… and does not want to think her “performance” in any area has to “measure up” to your expectations all the time. Humility… she will pick up on this with lightening precision too, and marvel and rejoice. (Real humility, not this contrived, false stuff!)
3. The burden of caring for a home, being a wife, and mother (especially to several children), AND homeschooling is an enormous load day to day. And it comes with a boatload of spiritual warfare. Don’t hang your wife out to dry. Don’t think you can do it all better, more efficient, and more orderly. You simply do not know that, do you? You are not a female in her shoes. You are responsible as the provider, protector, whether you are at home or not. Start providing for the “real” needs (not just financial, that is important, but that is only one provision). She needs you to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for everything and everyone in the house. The burden is way too heavy for a female to shoulder. That does not mean you will do it all. That means you will answer to God for it all. Which means you have no right to point fingers at your wife when she is feeling overwhelmed or distant. There are usually reasons for that. YOU need to shoulder those reasons. Quit making excuses and start shouldering.
4. Lay your expectations for marriage at the cross. “Poor me.” is such a wimpy guy thing to wallow in. Trust me, it is not romantic, and your wife will not be drawn to your self-pity wallowing. If she is not meeting all of your expecations for your ideal marriage… Lay them at the cross, accept what God has given you, then offer your unconditional love anyway… and be cheerful. That should at least help put balm on the damages of each day. No one (NO ONE) gets a perfect marraige. No one, with all the work in the world, ends up with a perfect marriage. Thank God for what you have… and be content in it. So it is not what you had in mind 10, 15, 20 years ago? Grow up! And start thanking God for what you do have. And quit leveling your disappointments on your wife as well. She is already carrying a burden here. You are to be a burden LIFTER.
5. SIMPLE LINED PAPER CHALLENGE: Here is a simple challenge to all those “manly men” who might run across this (since men like challenges, and think practically much of the time) Grab a piece of lined paper. Number the page 1-25 on the front, (just like in public school) and 26-50 on the back. Start listing all the things your wife does, or what might add to her burden. If you do not fill up that paper, and reach for another, Then YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR WIFE WELL ENOUGH. She might grab a couple more sheets and help you. Though don’t put that burden on her. You grab another sheet… and ask God to show you what your wife does (or what might be burdening her), and make it your project to fill up those papers… The husband with the most numbers filled in for his wife WINS! (Not just this challenge, but maybe even a renewed respect for his wife, and from his wife.) Wives want to be understood. And don’t like to be taken advantage of. I think part of the issue is that husbands don’t fully grasp all that their wives actually do, and juggle to stay afloat daily. Though it might not seem like much from a guy’s perspective. Let me get you started: Does your wife cut hair in the family? Does she buy groceries? Does she shop sales to stretch the budget? All of this takes time and energy. Does she make time to connect with the children? (Would you have thought to include this? But it takes a lot of time and is important) Does she comb her hair? (Be thankful.) Does she weed the little flower pots outside? Does she wash a load of laundry once a week?! Does she respond to a friend in need? Does she change diapers? Does she ever meet you in bed? Does she research and buy curriculum? Does she keep abreast of the political landscape? (Would your life be different if she did not care, and you could not talk together about this? or another topic of interest?) See what I mean?… all of these things take time and energy. Is there any question that a wife/mother/homemaker/homeschooler might want to withdrawl sometimes? Please try to fill up two sheets before you make any further complaint… and see what God might have to show you.
6. CHALLENGE TWO: Ask God to show you which of those things she does or burdens she carries that YOU can ease, or eliminate for her. You mght be surprised at how much you can actually help. Practically or in prayer. Then love her, and choose to be a burden lifter.
Todd,
I just hopped over to the store and bought your cartoon books and “Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe”. I had to. 🙂 I had some of your others; budget finally allows purchase of a few more….I’m gonna need them in the days ahead.
Hey gals, or guys for that matter, get those and have a good laugh and be inspired. I know I will.
Just wanted to suggest a book by Paul David Tripp and video series that accompanies it called “What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage”. We have enjoyed going through this book and DVDs with other married couples.
Obviously he needs the Manslator – the Woman to Man Language Translator:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfng7QHIU0Y
I agree with some that it might not be his fault. Maybe she’s just dealing with some stuff and really needs time. Or, maybe she’s reacting to something that brought back childhood memories/issues. I kow sometimes I react negatively to my hubby because he did or said something that reminded me of how my dad treated me when I was little and I panic thinking Oh no, he’s turning into my dad… when that is the furthest thing from the truth. Fortunately my hubby has proven himself to not be my dad, but maybe this guy hasn’t yet.
I would strongly suggest prayer. He should ask God to reveal to him his wife’s love language and start speaking it. Then remind her that he can’t read her mind. My hubby and I often reminded each other of that early in our marriage. But there were things I would still be scared to say to him. So this guy needs to assure her he can handle whatever she has to say. One more thing that helped us early on was partnering with an older, successful couple. Watch them live their lives and learn from them.
Do-get your heart right with God
Do-pray always for God’s Guidance, wisdom, blessings
Do-face the dysfunction from the family of your youth which causes you to face your true self
Do-work on getting your personal life in line with God’s design for you, your marriage will follow.
Do-take time daily to really listen to what God wants you to do.
Do-believe it isn’t the little things that really matter-it is a heart and attitude which understands God’s purpose for our lives.
Don’t-just do whatever needs to be done to make things right, a check off list, without your heart in it-it shows
Don’t-hide behind all the things you can do-instructional books, videos, hobbies-to make it look good-really connect personally
Don’t-believe everyone else is the problem-stop chasing your tail and take personal action to improve yourself the way God would like to see you improve
I believe, right or wrong, that if each of us really turn to God as our father, teacher, and support the rest of our life would fall into place-not perfect-and God can guide, lead, protect, and bless us more than we can ever imagine. But we need to be willing to open our real hearts up to Him. I think He would provide both husbands and wives everything they need to be a great spouse. (This looks really ‘spiritual’,but from the mess my family is living now, it appears to be the only truly workable answer.)
Nothing anyone can say will have the answers for this couple. Only the Lord can change a person’s heart and only the Lord can heal any wounds. This husband and wife must turn to the word and “become” the word. They both need calloused knees as well, as they pour out their hearts before the Lord. Then the answers they need will be there for them.
*Listen, pay attention, show and be interested in what your wife is telling you. We just need to share our stories, experiences, worries, etc.
*Sometimes we share our worries, pains, etc. not to receive an immediate solution, but to receive a hug, a listening ear, someone that hold us and feels what we are going through. Most of the times we know the solutions, but we need to share them and cry about them!
*Work solutions with your wife and be open to make changes in your schedule, priorities or anything needed to help her.
*Ask her how was her day! Deal with the kids if they have been a challenge to your wife that day or lately.
*Love your wife as you love yourself. Take care of her. Compliment her.
Since I don’t know the particulars, I will simply tell my story. I love my husband with all my heart but there is a part of me that feels distant and resentful. This marriage that is supposed to be a team has been reduced to he goes to work and I do everything else. We were raised on opposite sides of the tracks. My husband had no schedule, no chores to do, no bed time etc.. I was raised completely opposite. I am also a “born organized” person. We conflict. Some of these opposites serve to keep us balanced if we both agree and put forth the effort to meet in the middle. But most of the time the pendulum swings to one side or the other. Instead of feeling that my husband and I are a team I feel like I have another kid in the house and a belligerent one at that. I am not as young as I once was and do not have the energy I once did. Communication is non existent on his part and I have tried everything I can to no avail. I have a couple of Todd’s books and my husband says he has read them but nothing has stuck. I know he loves me and the kids but he seems to refuse to make any effort to be actively involved in our lives at home. I could give many examples of what frustrates me but the bottom line is that I do not feel support or encouragement from him, only a lack of interest. Women need their men to show an interest and be actively involved in the family to feel appreciated and truly loved. I got upset once when our old church did a series on families teaching the roles of husbands, wives, parents etc. At the time my husband was not taking his family to church, and I felt (still do) that I was head of the household and no my family structure was not what scripture describes it to be and I wondered if that is why we struggle so. But unless the husband is willing to take on the role as described in scripture there is nothing else that will make it happen. Nothing I have ever tried has made any affect so I decided to just let go and let God. I try to work as for the Lord and not men. I try to simply bloom where I am planted. And I try to love my husband no matter what. I am not by any means perfect though. I am tired. And when I am tired I am grumpy. Showing my husband that I do love him is the difficult part. When we are hurt we push away the one that hurt comes from. When we are expending all of our energy leading the household and carrying it all out we have no more to give. I have to lean on the Lord every day, especially when I feel like throwing in the towel. If I don’t, I feel like doing just what this woman has done. My heart goes out to that family. If everyone here will just pray for them and each other perhaps they, and we, will find the strength and energy to carry on in the love of Him who first loved us. If this man is reading this, please go to the foot of the cross. Tap into the love found there and take some of it tenderly to your wife. May the Lord carry you both.
I think a lot of marriages suffer because we get lost in bills, kids, work, church obligations and we forget that before all of that there was just the two of us. We have to go back to why we married each other in the first place. Somehow, marriage, which takes a lot of work, gets pushed to the bottom of the pile.
One more thought and I will be quiet. There was one person above who mentioned there may be a medical thing going on as well. That might very well be worthy of serious consideration. I ended up having to go to a naturopathic dr. who found some nutritional issues and a hormone issue. Correcting those has made a big difference in my ability to cope.
I give a resounding “AMEN” to RG! It truly amazes me that men can be so clueless when their wives are so hurt! Like so many have already said, there have been warning signs but he must have been too self-absorbed to notice!
I truly have a Christ-like husband who takes the time to know me. He sees what I do and appreciates it. However, I have many friends whose husbands are selfish slobs and it just amazes me.
“Dying to self” is primary in a marriage, for both the wife and the husband! If one won’t do it, there is danger. I’m guessing this woman has given all she can give of herself with a husband who hasn’t loved her as “Christ loved the church”. He’s been loving himself and all she does for him.
May I respectfully say, “Wake up, Sir! Get over yourself and pour yourself into your wife! Help her! Love her! Protect her! Show her you are willing to fight for her….over anyone or anything!”
RG and the Anon just above have got it right on.
Men, if you are in this situation read both of those posts at least three more times. Print them out and take them with you to work and read them again.
When my husband and I separated I happened upon a list that had to do with trust and how to tell if an abuser has really changed. I printed it out and gave it to my husband with no expectations. It said things I just couldn’t say to him. To my amazement, he told me later that he kept that list and read it over and over again.
I love him for making that effort and we now, 3 years later, have a not perfect, but very happy and healthy marriage. It took a good year of hard work and learning to listen to each other.
If your behavior has been abusive, man up and admit it. Find a way to change it.
One suggestion that helped us, too, came from a close friend. He said never say the first thing that comes to mind, its always wrong. We were in the habit of saying the hurtful things. If you and your wife are in the habit of digging at each other, make a pact with or without her to stop that right now and treat her other with respect.
It sounds corny, but we also read that Mars and Venus book and it really helped us a lot. It taught us to see how what we say is not what the other person hears and vise versa.
I’m praying for all who are struggling.
Ezra 8:21 (King James Version)
Then I proclaimed a FAST there, at the river of Ahava, that we might afflict ourselves before our God, TO SEEK OF HIM A RIGHT WAY FOR US, and for our little ones, and for all our substance.
How helpful it has been to read the comments here. It is comforting to know I am not alone walking through a difficult marriage. I have withdrawn from my husband because it has become too difficult to continue to engage him. When I attempt to express the difficulties I am having, he tells me what I am doing wrong and then pressures the kids to do better because they are making my life too difficult. So, I just don’t tell him or I tell him as little as I can. Unfortunately, I don’t tell him about the joy and successes either. He is largely inactive with homeschooling. He doesn’t know what they kids are studying and he doesn’t show any interest. I try and update him on their progress and he seizes on the mistakes and shortcomings. So, again, I say as little as possible. The less I say, the easier it is to live in the house but the harder it is to live.
My husband has convinced himself that whatever problem I am having, it’s because of something I am failing to do and has nothing to do with him. He is not culpable for the sorry state of our relationship. The blame can be found somewhere in what I have done or neglected to do. How dearly I long to be loved and respected regardless of the mistakes I make. My Father God does love me in that way, and it would be such a wonderful thing if my husband did too.
The advice of studying your wife cannot be overstated. Really take some time to learn who she is and why she is and then pray and ask God to show you how you can LOVE her.
Many years ago when my children were little and my husband was a work-a-holic, I went out the door on a Friday evening when he came home. I told him I was going to visit my parents for the week-end. When I arrived home that Sunday afternoon no one was home but the house was cleaned from top to bottom, every piece of laundry was folded and put away and all the dishes were done! To this day I have no idea how my husband accomplished all that in that short amount of time but I can tell you that those actions communicated to me that he loved me and did not want to lose me!
Marriage “Coaching” rather than counseling is the best way to go. You learn more in one “Coaching” session than in 2 years of counseling … b/c they give you TOOLs to work with. See the website: http://www.marriageteam.org/index.html
Just a Mom,
Wow. I felt like I was reading my own story reading what you had to say. This particular topic has been very theraputic for me…it makes me feel much less alone!
It is very strange how our husbands expect us to be perfect and believe they have free reign to crack down hard when we falter, yet we are to “accept them at face value” just as they are with all their faults.
Wow! You have had a LOT of feed back. What I have to add is just an “amen”. I found myself where his wife is. But God in HIS tender mercy showed me myself. My unforgiveness toward my dear husband. My keeping a record of wrongs (continually) and NOT daily forgiving him. When I dealt with my heart my dear Heavenly Father dealt with my husband’s heart. No one person can meet all of our needs. BUT God wants to be our Father/Husband when our Father/Husband won’t or can’t do what God calls him to do. I recently read a book by Jennifer Flanders called “Love Your Husband, Love Yourself”. It has been the best encouragement to our relationship. We have been married almost 28 years with 6 chldren…still homeschooling 3. I have a major ‘job’ in our family business, we have a homestead, make a lot from scratch, play/sing together as a family, and care for a neighbor with Alzheimers…in our spare time. When I humbled myself before God and said, I don’t care what you do with him (my husband), just make me what you want me to be. It helped me to get rid of self pity and see the good things and think on them. I filled my heart and home with praise…even when I didn’t feel like praising.I guarded my heart from despair and discouragement, and watched my words. Death and life are in the power of the tongue. I looked for ‘fellowship’ with people who would encourage me in righteousness. For the husband, I couldn’t teach him, but I KNOW God would be willing to, IF he would humble himself before HIM and then go HUMBLY to his wife. Desiring to walk in obedience to God’s word is the first step.
Thank you for caring for this family. I pray it will not go down in defeat to the enemy.
I cannot recommend highly enough that this husband watch the movie “Fireproof” and do the Love Dare book that goes along with it. God used that movie and book to save my marriage a year and a half ago. If you stick with it, you will not be the same. Even if your marriage seems hopeless and dead (mine was), remember, the One who resurrects is still on the throne!
It’s been my experience that men (at least my husband) don’t like being informed they may be the “bad guy” or that they have any culpability. Please let me hasten to add that I am in no way informing anybody that they are monsters; it’s just that it appears to me that there is something within the male psyche that recoils at the thought that he might be “wrong”….whereas it is easier for women, in general, and by no means am I saying it is 100% always true, to admit they were wrong.
Having said that, I would caution against “Fireproof” in that it shows the man doing all the work. I saw the movie — by myself, my husband would never have watched it and I knew that — and I loved it. I know I could never respond so coldly to my husband if he did even one of those things, and that seemed very unrealistic that she would be so cold to him — I could never be that cold. Unconscious from shock, yes, but cold, no. 🙂
You know, gals, all the marriage books aimed at us ladies always drill into our heads about how we are wives first, mothers second. I have tried to live that in my marriage, and it hasn’t worked. I would put that aside for now if I were you — just focus on your kids. They will only be young once, and we have one unrepeatable chance to educate each child. For this time, the ball’s in my husband’s court. If he decides our marriage is a priority any time, then he’s free to do so. Until then, I have to stop. I cannot afford to make it my priority. I have five kids to teach, drill music lessons with, and hopefully get college scholarships. If I don’t do that now, it won’t happen. The marriage is on the shelf at my house. I have broken my back over it. I have waited on him hand and foot. I can still do some of that; after all, he is the breadwinner in this house, and he needs good meals, his quiet chair with his newspaper and all that, but I’m not going to go out of my way to spend time with him — he says I talk too much anyway, so he’ll be getting his heart’s desire if I block him out of my life. Heck, it saves him on Valentine’s Day — we can save the money we would have spent on the babysitter and going out and put it towards next month’s violin lessons which are costing a not so small fortune.
So many great comments, especially RG’s. Who of us can know the underlying circumstances of this couple? So it is hard to know how to advise.
Prayer—humility—seeking forgiveness—admitting one’s wrongs—seeking God—are all good ways of being who you should be.
A year ago I phone-counseled my son-in-law who was struggling with a wife who didn’t want to be married. He had been through a LOT, and I thought, I can’t tell this man to keep going back and asking for more sorrow. Yet when I encouraged him to do what God wanted him to do, and then asked what God wanted him to do, he began weeping and said, “He wants me to love her.” Yep, that’s it. What does that love entail? How does one show love to one who doesn’t want it and tramples on it?
I will be praying for this couple, that they will
Oops, I obviously hit the wrong button there. I will be praying that they will seek God above all and that healing will take place.
I note that there are many comments from wives who are obviously broken, hurt, bitter, lonely, confused, and more. Having been married for 30+ years in what I consider a “broken leg marriage” (it works, but not the way God originally designed it to), I have found that what helps is…not chatting with girlfriends or relatives or other men about my husband; reading and studying Scripture; asking God what I can do today to love my husband (thankfully, love is an action and not a feeling—I can do an action, but can’t always drum up the lovely feeling); journaling; and praying for my husband every single day-that God would bless him, break down the walls between him and God (yes, he is a Christian), and turn his heart toward God first, then toward his wife and children. Some have already been mentioned, but books that have helped me: Loneliness by Elisabeth Elliot; Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl; The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman; Communication: Key to Your Marriage by Norman Wright. I hesitate to encourage counseling—it is hard to find a good one who meshes with one’s values; they are expensive and time-consuming, often taking one away from one’s responsibilities; and they are, after all, imperfect people also. Yes, they can be used of God to correct/encourage us, yet they can also be a crutch to keep one from truly looking to God for direction. For myself, I never had counseling, but have had to turn to God for comfort, for encouragement, for wisdom, for direction. And that is exactly what I needed to do. He is truly my All in All. I wish I could wrap my arms around each of these wives whose comments show how much they are hurting, and somehow have them understand just how much God loves them and how sufficient He truly is to meet all of their needs. Thanks, Todd, for inviting us wives to share.
Wow! What amazing stories and as many of the wives haves stated it is truly therapeutic to read most of them. I was going to give some of my “advice” yet when I read the above by “been there” I just don’t know if it can be stated any better. Yes, I have 9 children and so there is always the picturesque view of our marriage and yet we are so far from perfect!! We struggled and then struggled some more and then we decided to seek scripture. I think a lot of big families appear as though there are no problems and the truth is we all have had to deal with the lies that we were taught growing up: that the “love and romance” fades after 3 years, that the man should work and the wife should act interested in his job not sharing her “duties” with him. Yes, we are made to complete our husbands but God gave us our husbands to help us as well. When we learn that we need to love our husbands for just giving us the opportunity to disciple our children and than our husbands have to learn and accept with that we will be turning to them for advice and we do want to feel as though they are listening. My husband and I have been through many struggles most of them dealing with generational sin that had to be removed from that dark, gloomy closet and dealt with. Yes, this was painful and yes I felt like leaving more than once. I even did one night I wanted to find where God would tell me it was okay to leave. I searched books, scripture and other resources and you know what I found? That love is an ACTION not a feeling and that by my choosing to stay and honoring my husband (even though he did unhonorable things) the feelings actually followed. During these early struggles we had only 5 children now we have 8 so God can bless even meger actions!! The scripture that got me through was LOVE COVERS A MULTITUDE OF SINS — even mine. Like this wife I had removed my ring I didn’t realize the hurt that this inflicted upon my husband. At the time he travelled extensively with his work and he just wanted my wedding ring on my finger. I guess it was rebellion I resented him for travelling away from his family. He could get away and yet there I was in the middle of it— no getting away for even a minute. After a long, hard struggle and a lot of prayer and God growing us both we realized we couldn’t have a marriage where he wasn’t home. I felt like a single mom and it allowed him to have a double life so to speak. I felt so disconnected and seperate from who he was and when he returned home I felt he was in the way. How nice it was a the biggest sign that my husband listened and loved me was when he told his work he wouldn’t travel anymore. He even lost his job for this. God blessed the stand he took and gave him a better, higher paying job in just a matter of two days right in the middle of the great job depression. God has so changed our hearts and grown us to realize he wasn’t the only one that deserved forgiveness but that I too needed it from him. Now the biggest struggle is that I don’t feel he gives enough of his uncommitted time to us. He just seems distracted with work. Just a few uncommitted minutes where we could have his full attention you know little things like eye contact, no phone interruptions, or emails being ignored would be nice. All in all God has restored our marriage and I like what “been there” called it a “broken leg marriage”.
Thanks for sharing all of these stories! It is through our stories that we will be strengthened and yes we need to pray for each other!!! When my husband and I were going through our problems we felt noone was praying for us- how nice it would have been to have prayers lifting us above the pit the devil had prepared for us!!!!
WOW! I intended to write last week, and am blown away by the outpouring of all who have written. So much EXCELLENT advice! I sincerely hope the gentleman in crisis is tuned in and taking action. I hope he’s feeling blessed.
I’m actually glad I waited. A week ago my input would have been similar. “Fireproof” + “Love Dare” and all the wonderful reading done by so many women who have written. “Choosing to Cheat” by Andy Stanley is excellent as well. ( It’s not about sexual infidelity).
THEN…BOOM…I realized I had read these books, listened to Love Dare on audio, and watched Fireproof…but my husband never has. He reads a book a week, but not these books! BOOM AGAIN! This is not a women reaching out, but a man. A MAN! “Tell me how to FIX IT!” “Don’t ask me to READ, but you read it and TELL me how to fix it.” Are we giving too much information? Even for a husband in trouble? All who write, including myself are well intentioned, but stumbling along trying to GUESS his situation. We are limited to our personal experience. HE KNOWS HIS SITUATION! If he doesn’t…he should. This man has the advantage of knowing every small detail of his life and family, and yet he’s asking others. His despair at the thought of losing his wife, leads me to believe she’s worth fighting for. But again, that’s MY GUESS.
My advice to this man who obviously wants to save his marriage. DO YOUR OWN HOMEWORK! Don’t copy from someone else! Dig your heels deep into the ground…you’re not going anywhere. (And,bless you for that by the way. Sometimes all a women asks is that you STAY.) Then dig even deeper into your wife’s heart and your own. The answers are all there. But, whatever you do, don’t ask her (or anyone else) to do your homework for you. There is no easy answer. Don’t ask her to tell you what’s wrong or how to fix it. It’s exhausting! It’s a feat in itself for a wife and mother to read enough “food for the soul” for her own sustenance; To greet each day with optimism, peace and contentment, and faith in God. She shouldn’t have to regurgitate it all to spoon feed her husband. Don’t be another mouth to feed, because she’s already feeding fledglings all day. If she feels worse after being around you, then you’re draining her, rather than sustaining her. She’ll remove herself from you as purely a mother’s survival instinct! A good mother is on a godly mission of raising godly children and she’ll recognize the enemy even in husband’s clothing.
Are you reaching out to heal your wife’s wounds for her sake or are you needing relief for your own pain? What is driving your wish for resolution? These are difficult but IMPORTANT questions.
Go to GOD for council. Read the Bible and every other GOOD BOOK you can find! Every single day be grateful for every single blessing! There are too many to count if you’re paying attention. Say THANK YOU to GOD and THANK YOU to your wife every day! Your wife is watching you, hearing you…and quite possibly…loving you.
Get empowered by God-you cannot do the hard part of heart sharing with the wife if one is not connected at the heart level with God.
Amen, anon. Amen.
What is it the Bible says about Love thy Neighbor as Thyself…??
I have been married almost 34 yrs. We have 3 grown children and homeschooling a younger one. My husband and I sleep in different rooms, because he snores and refuses to use his CPAP. I started pulling away when he quit caring about himsel and his own well being.I had to just to keep my sanity. Example: He couldn’t keep his medicine straight, so I bought a pill organizer and filled a weeks worth for him…his reaction was to throw it across the room scattering pills in 2 rooms—with a toddler walking and crawling around. Then, he would shower and get all spruced up to go play cards, and come home smelling like smoke so strongly, I would choke. Then he would get mad if I ask him to rinse off for me (this was when we were in same bed), and that would make him mad. I quit wearing my ring, when my hands started swelling and it would get stuck. It didn’t have anything to do with not wanting to be married. We are not as close as we once were, but we still can carry on a conversation when GunSmoke or football, baseball, basketball, or a pre 1960 western is not on TV. In other words, people change, sometimes due to health, depression, or a state of mental awareness. My husband has had 2 steints, bypass, a TIA, diabetes, Chronic Pain and a host of other health problems. Seperate rooms, doesn’t mean I love him anyless, but time changes things. Make sure you make yourself pleasant to be around if you want to get closer. Remember what it was like when you were dating. You found a way to get the other’s attention then. Pray for Wisdom and Peace.
my husband had similar issues. if your husband is willing, please ask his doctor, (endocrinologist if he has one for the diabetes) to test his testosterone level. many of the problems you have described can be attributed to low T and when properly treated, many of those symptoms go away. you can use a gel, which isn’t safe with children around, or a patch, which i personally don’t recommend, or a biweekly shot, which is what we do. it literally made my husband a different man inside 2 weeks, and no doctor thought to check it until we asked for the test.
Jeannie,
I just had an inspiration reading your posts. My husband made me feel so unhappy I quit taking care of myself. The pressure was just too great.
I haven’t worn earrings in ages…I don’t even know if I can or if my piercings closed up, it’s been that long. I also haven’t worn makeup in eons.
Maybe I’ll start wearing makeup again.
I also quit taking my vitamins or doing anything about caring for my health. Basically so I could devote more time to him and his needs, because he got sick and wanted fresh veggie juice every morning. It took too long before the kids were up, needed their breakfast and we needed to start school.
Could God be using you folks to tell me something….???
Anon, above, is absolutely right. Sacrificial love is what a lot of men are NOT giving. They love selfishly, always wanting something in return and often not even doing what really NEEDS done for the family but if they do something “nice” (what they think of as nice), they want “payment”. Why would any woman continue to be interested in that kind of arrangement? It’s hurtful, greedy, and BORING. My husband is never interested in anything I have to say. He thinks the things that I enjoy aren’t worth his time or mine. He gets angry at me for watching something on TV that he wouldn’t choose to watch but he thinks I should be OK with some of the “entertainment” he wants to watch/look at…Recently, like within the last 2 years, my husband has been being very disrespectful to me, even around our children, even behind my back TO my children. He thinks I’m “crazy” because I’m listening to Christ about how to teach our children. He listens to non-believers (my brother) about how we should homeschool and told me I’m going to make our children stupid. He forced me to get our children into a public school homeschooling program so he could make sure they were learning something (we used to combine unschooling with intermittent traditional homeschooling). We have 7 children ranging in age from 18 down to 6 months. Our 18 year-old has had 2 jobs since she was 15 (the first one we made her quit because there was a gang shooting at the establishment she was employed at). She almost immediately got another job at the place she really wanted to work, a video game store, that only hires people 18 and above and only by resume. She submitted her resume, that SHE wrote, and they fell all over themselves wanting to hire her even though she was only 16. When we moved 18 months later from Idaho to Alaska, my daughter’s manager wanted my daughter to live with her so she could keep working at the video game store (she was going to start training her for management for when she turned 18) because she had never had such a resposible employee. Of course our daughter said no and went with her family to Alaska, but the point is…How could my husband, who used to stand by me just as I’ve always stood by him, accuse me of making my children stupid when we have, as the first of many examples, an adult child that I taught and brought up who is anything but stupid? All of our children except the 5 year-old and the 6 month old can read, write, do basic math as per their age/grade level. None of my children know anything but the simplest of algebra, but neither do I, or my husband for that matter and we both took it in school, he even took it in college. So what does it matter unless it’s something they’ll use in a career, in which case they’ll be interested in learning it as a means to that end. It’s so simple to me but my husband no longer listens to me, he just looks at me in suspicion instead. He’s listening to my brother (we live with him because he’s the one who brought us to Alaska when the economy fell so far which ended my husband’s contracting business). My brother thinks kids should all be the same and go to public school or be schooled at home in the same manner as public schools. He wants to see my children’s test scores, he wants to be in the area we have designated as a learning center to make sure I’m teaching the children like they would in public school…IT’S a NIGHTMARE! I don’t want 2 husbands, especially when they don’t have any faith in me or in the fact that God gave them to me to “train them up in the way they should go”. I’ve lost my husband’s support, his trust, and his respect and I didn’t even do anything to deserve those losses. Our children are well spoken, God loving, intelligent, discerning, thoughtful, interesting, funny, sweet, different, and NON–STUPID! My husband has been falling away from The Lord and I’ve been trying desperately to fill the void left by his abdication of his spiritual leadership. I have to be the spiritual leader in the family and it’s something I’m willing to do, of course, but I don’t know if it will be enough for our children to know how they are supposed to be when they have their own households. Especially the boys. No, not just the boys, but the girls too. How will they know how to recognize a godly man? A spiritually mature one that can lead their family how God wants them to go? How will my sons know how to be one of those godly men without a male role model in their lives to look to? Despair is what I feel when I think of what’s happening to our family. The only things that keep that bad feeling from taking me over (for the most part at least) is the secure knowledge of Christ and what he’s done for me, and my children. How can I fix this? I will just keep praying and doing what the Lord tells me. It’s very, very hard…it really is.
The difficult thing, in regards to answering this question is, I am sure the right answer varies from woman to woman. I have 5 children and I have noticed that when I get burned out, I go nuts, just nuts. Fussing, complaining, discontent you name it. However when I reach that point what I really need is a break. I need someone else to cook, someone else to wash the dishes and maybe even a baby sitter. After I get a break and take a rest, I can take on the World again. Another thing that can cause a woman to turn cold, is a husband who isn’t attentive to her. One would never believe how lonely a married woman can feel, if her husband is more interested in sitting in front of the TV or Computer and doesn’t invest time in his wife. It is even worse if his is looking at porn. Then the wife will feel that he doesn’t need her for anything including sex. A wife, needs and wants her husband to be her best friend. She wants him to invest time in her, and die to self sometimes. Show her that he will watch what she wants to watch with her on TV. Take her out on a date. Get to know her, invest in her like you would a friend. If a man acts like his wife is nagging him or bothering him, because she wants to spend time with him and wants to be friends with him, then husbands you just created the”Cold wife”. Another good rule to follow is to be her Hero!! If she screams across the room for her husband to kill a roach or a spider etc. Don’t be the man who ignores her under the argument she can kill it herself, Of course your wife can kill it herself, her calling you is her attempt at giving you a chance to be her hero. You rescue her, you run to her aid, and she thinks it is attractive!!! AN ATTENTIVE HUSBAND IS AN ATTRACTIVE HUSBAND!!! Most importantly, If your wife wants to hug you, or sit next to you on the couch, and rest her head on your shoulder, or she wants to kiss you goodbye before you leave to go to work, Don’t grab her breast and try to have sex with her right then and there. Let her flirt with you, all touch is not an advance, to have sex, plus if you let her flirt, at the end of the day you might end up getting lucky anyway. When a woman thinks that if she does anything flirty with her husband that he will try to have sex with her right then and there, she will become cold!! You have taught her that you are not safe to touch, hug, kiss or curl up next too on the couch. She will avoid flirting because she expects you to take it as an advance to sex.
There is a Christian website dedicated to helping men reconcile with their wives. Through a series of articles and free mp3 downloads, it lays out a step by step plan for any man who needs to restore a broken relationship with his wife. Most men say nothing on the web comes close to offering the help found there. Check out http://www.UltimateHusband.com.
Todd, I’m not sure if you received my earlier comment, but I would recommend that you check out my website http://www.ultimatehusband.com. Most men who visit are tremendously helped.
Here’s an excerpt from the lead article:
When you were single, you pursued your wife to win her heart. You wooed her with gifts, candlelight, and soft music. Maybe you wrote her letters or sang her songs. However you did it, by all the attention you showed her, she felt desired and cherished, like she was a princess on a glass hill who was worth a great quest. By the way you listened to her, she came to trust you, finally feeling that her heart would be safe with you. Whether you knew it or not, you convinced her you would be her heart’s protector.
On the day you got married, she entrusted her heart to you, but like most guys, you didn’t have a clue how to take care of her heart. You didn’t even know she gave it to you, so you didn’t protect it carefully. You kept it in your pocket with your car keys and slammed it down on the dresser every night with your wallet. Unfortunately, after a guy says “I do” he also says “I’m done.” He relates to his new wife the same as a guy who has just caught a fish. When a man catches a fish for dinner, does he leave the bait on the hook? NO. He puts his lure in the tackle box, and takes his fish home to eat. He got what he came for, so stopped fishing.
As guys we enjoy romance, but it does not mean to us what it means to a woman. We like romance and use it like bait to catch a woman. But after we land ourselves a wife, we put the lure in the tackle box and stop fishing. We cease doing that which our wives believed we would do forever. In her heart she said, “Yes, I will marry you, because I want to feel this way the rest of my life.” Has it occurred to you that she now feels severely defrauded?
You came along and led her to believe that she could trust you with her heart, but it wasn’t long after she married you that she began to conclude how wrong she had been about you. You no longer made her feel special. You were obsessed with work or anything else that interested you. The only time you acted romantically was when you wanted the marriage bed. She married you to build a relationship, but your mind was stuck on you.
Most women who flee their marriage do so because they tire of feeling the pain of rejection. It is hard for them to extend their heart to its protector time and again, just to have it dropped on the floor or swatted back by him. Most men have few memories of swatting their wife’s heart, but that is because they never knew their wife offered it to them. They thought she was just complaining.
Those “swattings” occurred when your wife was telling you what was on her mind. She often shared her comments with frustration and she sounded like she was complaining, but she just wanted to be understood and rescued from those things that emotionally assaulted her or robbed her of security. In her mind she was not on the offensive – just passionately, vulnerably begging for help or understanding. Unfortunately, you thought you were being attacked, so responded defensively. On those occasions when your wife needed the most understanding and support, you saw her as an opponent to be corrected, avoided, or defeated. For years she has been trying to share her heart with you, but you just got angry or defensive every time she opened up. You finally wore her down, and now she has left. Your defensive responses have left her seeing you as self-centered and uncaring. In her mind, the one she married to find protection has proven himself to be her biggest threat.
I thought that it was interesting that you posted this link on facebook to direct people to read. Surely this would be an incredibly overwhelming comment thread to read for a guy who is struggling to “win back” his wife.
Maybe you could go through and pick through the plethora of life stories shared to get something worthwhile to share for them.
How about these simple suggestions; and this is coming from someone who would call her marriage incredible. My husband and I have also counseled marriages in some pretty dire situations.
1. Pray WITH your wife. So many suggest to pray, but you need to pray WITH her. OUT LOUD. Twice a day. My husband is probably one of the busiest men I know, but we ALWAYS pray together at least once a day. Most days we pray morning and evening. Wherever we are. If your wife is unwilling to do this, then you definitely need some serious spiritual counseling.
2. Seek to love Jesus with all that is in you. You will never win your wife back by seeking her. Seek HIM!
3. If your wife is overwhelmed, get her some household help, whether it is a maid or someone from church to help out. If she is too prideful for this, then she needs a lot; of prayer and encouragement to accept the help.
4. And perhaps this should have been #1. Take every single thought captive and bring it under the obedience of Christ. EVERY thought throughout your whole day. Evaluate your thoughts according to scripture.
For the wives:
1. Pray for your husbands. Don’t pray for your wishes. Pray for God to make him into a man of God. Be willing to pray WITH him as well.
2. Quit making pictures of what a “spiritual leader” looks like. Your spiritual leader will look different than the others. Having a picture will always set your husband up for failure.
3. Take every single thought captive and bring it under the obedience of Christ. EVERY thought throughout your day. Evaluate all of your thoughts according to scripture.
There was a time in my life that I literally shut the world out – my husband, my kids, my church, God, etc. I was struggling with having miscarried at 4 months. I was hurting and very angry. My husband did his best to give me space but I know he was concerned. What shook me was that after about a month or two, I don’t remember how long, he wrote me a letter. In it he shared how he was feeling, how much he loved and cared for me and how he really wanted to help me but he didn’t know how. There were absolutely no accusations or anything in it that made me feel attacked or he didn’t really ask me for anything in response. He left it for me when he went to work and didn’t mention a word of it until I went to him about it. It allowed me to process what he had written and pray about it – while he prayed on his own for me – then, in time, I went to him and we worked things out. It really took the pressure off of saying and doing the “right thing” to just sharing his heart and me processing it. Thankfully, I didn’t need any formal counseling and the Lord continues to heal and work in both of our lives!
I want to share the story of a marriage, not mine, that I watched transform with the grace of God and the pursuit of a godly husband.
My husband and I have counseled a few marriages, and sadly they rarely have happy endings. We were requested to help a couple struggling. In the course of our time together, it became obvious there there were decades old hurts on both sides. Both the husband and the wife had plenty of individual work to do to make their hearts ready to receive love from the other. The wife was not ready to be pursued and needed to find her heart with God. And she spent many tearful days doing just that.
But I want to share the husband’s behaviors with you. I don’t think I could be more impressed with a man (other than my own husband) than I was with this man. He had loved this woman nearly all his life, but had never really fully pursued her. He had come to accept that he had her, she wasn’t going to leave, but was living with the knowledge that he didn’t really have all her heart.
But when it came down to the wire, when the pretending couldn’t continue, he became a man worthy of her love. Rather than accepting less, he sought to be the man God called him to be. He pursued God. And he pursued his wife. He talked to her, instead of at her. He did little things to show he cared, whether it be helping with the kids or fixing some small broken item she had mentioned needed fixed. Little by little he showed up to do the marriage thing,
There is no secret recipe. But he prayed. We prayed. They prayed. And he became the man she needed and took all the possible little steps to show her. He showed her love rather than told her love.
I wish I could offer step by step advice, but as has been said above, there is no such thing as the ONE thing every woman needs. But if you pray, watch and engage, you will begin to see the little ways you can pursue her, as you would have at the beginning. But it has to be genuine, not manufactured from a marriage help book. You have to show that YOU have paid attention to HER and see what she needs.