You Can Learn a Lot From A Dummy!
How are things at your house? Life is pretty good at the Wilson’s. The snow has melted, the kids are healthy, and my wife and I are doing great, but that wasn’t the case a couple of weeks ago.
Marriage is like that. One week everything is fine; the next week you are on the downward hill of the roller coaster of life screaming your lungs out.
Yep, that was two weeks ago. Let me preface (I like that word) that by saying it was my fault. I could have easily disarmed the situation by being understanding, sympathetic, and reassuring. Instead, I dug in my heals and said, “I’m not gonna budge. I’m right, and you’re wrong…and that’s just
the way it is.”
Not the recipe for a successful marriage.
The whole thing started because my wife didn’t feel like she was number one in my life. She thought I cared more about “the issue” than her. I, of course, told her that was ridiculous and rattled off about a dozen reasons why she was wrong, none of which convinced her.
We couldn’t resolve it…actually, I WOULDN’T resolve it.
For several days (read 1 week), we existed together with no warmth, no gentle words…just cold facts, snide remarks, and behind-the-back whispers. I hated it but was unwilling to resolve it.
Then, the unthinkable happened…she softened, threw her arms around me, and melted me like butter. That night we talked, and it was over. Later, as she slept, I lay awake feeling like a big dummy, ashamed that she had resolved it when it should have been me.
I am ‘da dad. That’s what I tell you every week and that’s what I believe. But this time I blew it. I wasted a whole week (and then some) because I refused to deal with it.
Now you can say what you like about whose responsibility it is to resolve marital disputes…but the truth is: it’s yours and mine.
So, let me ask you, Dad, how are things with your wife? Maybe you’re plunging down the hill of the roller coaster of life. If you are, learn from my mistake, and be the one to resolve it. Tonight, when everything is quiet, ask your wife what she feels. Let her talk, and don’t defend yourself. Apologize if necessary, but do whatever it takes to make her feel like she’s number one in your life.
Remember, you can learn a lot from this dummy.
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wonderful article, I hope the men reading this will pay attention
Very eloquently stated…you have a way of cutting through the muck and making a stong point. I’m forwarding your website to my hubbie!
From one dummy to another, timeless words to live by and remember often.
I’m commenting just so there isn’t a majority of female comments saying this is what their husbands should do! 😉
I’ve been there. My wife has shown more love than I can imagine by showing she did love me more than the issue. I was ashamed and couldn’t believe I’d held on to the issue like I had. I try to follow the example she set, now. Amazing growth comes from caring more about them than yourself.
I do all sorts of special things for my wife. I help with the kids when I get home from work even though I am exausted, do dishes, clean up after the kids, make beds, tell her numerous times how much she means to me, plan surprise date nights by contacting the babysitter without her knowing and yet there is still distance. I am about to lose my mind. I feel like we are roommates. Not lovers. Not sure what to do. So to the women commenting on here, women are not all perfect and not all men are clods.
To “I have the reverse problem” Have you and your wife ever read “The Five Love Languages”? You have the same issue I have, more or less. The thing that I have a hard time remembering is that I need to love her in her language not in mine. It makes all the difference in the world when I remember to do so. It is a gift from our Father, because as I love her in her language, she is willing to love me in my language. We are the dad and husband, it is our job first to love them like Christ loves the church, and we are all the church! May God give you wisdom and endurance to love your wife the way He designed her to be loved.
This is good advice. Sounds like the same listening tips Dr. Tim gives in Grace Based Parenting.
Todd,
This was my wife and me(95% me) last week. I was the “Big Dummy” so full of pride. It is good to know I am not the only Chritian man with pride and “dummy” issues. I appreciate your words. And yes, we sat down and resolved our problems!