A time for EVERYTHING! (adults only) – Jim Brewster
We have stumbled on a concept that almost instantly removed Sex and Sexual Intimacy as a source of pain, anger, resentment, and bitterness in our marriage and move it to a source of great bonding, pleasure, fun and appreciation for each other. The change was so immediate and has remained firmly intact for 5 years that we feel it might be of value to you.
I have tried for 5 years now to flesh out this concept and have only now felt I have it articulated. If after you read and weigh this you feel it is of value, I would be happy to work on this with you to make it more understandable.
Premise: Most marriage fights over sex and intimacy are started by an unmet expectation of intimacy for tonight. The initial spark is generated when an expectation for intimacy for tonight is raised and then is not met. This is usually an interested husband and uninterested wife.
The ensuing verbal discussion (if one can be safely had) or the night long internal mental fight brings up all the other commonly raised issues of “You always want sex,” “You never want sex,” “You have to meet my needs,” “Your needs never are satisfied,” “Why did God bring us together?” etc. This then usually leads to remembering a number of other things the spouse does that makes the other spouse mad. The night-long stewing caused by this missed expectation creates such bitterness and hatred in each spouse for the other that by morning they willing to consider divorce as a viable option. In the morning, they also do not want to help each other because they are still mad over last night and in many cases the fight burst into the open and ruins the entire next day. If this happens too many times, divorce becomes the option.
Solution: Couples need to develop and agree upon a method to determine if “tonight is the night for intimacy.” In our case, we decided to schedule intimacy for specific nights of the week.
Katie and I are born-again Christians from very stable, loving, traditional male-breadwinner families. We will celebrate our 30th anniversary this year.
For 25 years, in spite of Focus on the Family, Bill Gothard, Military Chaplain Marriage Seminars, and two Weekends to Remember, we repeatedly experienced the hurt and anger discussed in the premise section.
Five years ago, Katie and I were able to have a rational talk about an unmet expectation and had a thought that if we could agree on when “tonight is the night,” that would be wonderful and would solve lots of issues, which I will list later. As dumb as it sounds, we decided to schedule our sex. We agreed to be intimate on Wednesday night and Sunday afternoon. Instantly, and I mean instantly, sex/intimacy as a source of hatred and bitterness dropped out of our marriage. Our sexual intimacy has been wonderful since then and has also freed us up to enjoy each other’s sexuality in a number of ways that we could not enjoy before this decision.
Rules: As we worked it out, we realized our decision to “Schedule Sex” came with a few ground rules:
1) The scheduled times are a priority family event. Dates should be kept, if at all possible.
2) Any missed night (usually wife) must come with a confession that tonight was the night, a brief apology, and a promise for a makeup night.
3) Sex cannot to be requested (usually husband) for any other night. If a different night is necessary, the request has to be respectful and polite, must have a brief apology and a confession that the normal night is Wednesday.
Benefits: Our relationship improved instantly and markedly for the better:
1) My wife’s agreement to “Schedule sex” was a clear statement to me that she really did want to be intimate with me and did enjoy our lovemaking. Prior to this, I secretly felt she only had sex with because I pressured here into it and she was getting me off her back. When I pressured her for sex, we had sex, not lovemaking. As a result of our decision, we have lovemaking almost every time!
2) Knowing when I was going to have sex, relieved me of the pressure and burden to always be watchful for my wife’s “Come-on” signs. “Come-On” was Wednesday and Sunday. Because I stopped watching for signs, she stopped feeling she was being pressured and stopped feeling resentful and bitter over the fact that I was so selfish and “always, only thought about sex.”
3) We discovered a real freedom to enjoy each other’s sexuality anytime without worrying that we were sending “Come On” signals for tonight. For example, I could now come home from work, hug my wife at the sink, and give her a deep kiss without here pulling back from a possible sexual overture. We could both enjoy this form of intimacy because we both knew it is not an overture to “How bout tonight?” My wife was also free to receive and joke about my comments regarding her femininity and sexuality (Great top, “Nice Bottom” as she bends over, whistle, etc) without worrying that she might have made a “promise for later on.”
What is even better is we now have a fun coping mechanism in case I might suggest during a hug or a kiss that “Couldn’t tonight be the Night?” She will give me a coy smile, touch my nose, wink and say, “Good things come to those who wait. Tomorrow is Wednesday and we have a shaved leg date.” It’s a great shared intimate moment. I have told her that her sexuality thrills me and she has told me that on Wednesday she plans to make sure that her sexuality thrills me.
4) Every time we make love is very, very good. On Wednesday, I can get a “Today is Wednesday,” or “I am shaving my legs. See Yah Tonight” type E-mail. I have something to look forward to all day. After supper and when we are ready, we both prepare for lovemaking. We shower, shave, perfume, dress special, light candles, prepare oil, etc. The point is that every time we make love, we prepare for it to be special because we know it is on the schedule. When it is not on the schedule and a guy pressures his wife into sex, no one prepares for it and it is not fun.
5) I am freed of my fear of missing an opportunity for sex, so I can be my wife’s hero and respond to her needs. Because I know I have a commitment for Sunday, I can let my wife cancel Wednesday when she is tired or not feeling well. I can be the husband I prefer to be and willingly respond to her needs and minister to her, because I know she still wants me on Sunday. When I had no promise of a future date, I could not afford to let any opportunity go by, thus the wife’s claim of “Selfish Husband.”
6) It frees me to be able and willing to help around the house. I like my wife more and hate her less because we have this commitment to make love regularly. As a result, I want to help out at home and, in my sinful economy, can feel she deserves (has earned) my help. I now am a better husband and she begins to like me more which makes her a better wife which makes me like her more which ………
7) I am freed from the frustration of dinner and a movie as my foreplay, with no guarantee of intimacy when the movie is over and possibly the resulting fight.
I am sure you have already thought of a few more benefits from an agreed upon method for intimacy.
There are different ways to politely ask the wife if she want to be intimate; The pillow (Yes/No sides), hat thrown on bed, etc. However each one requires the wife to be the final decision maker and after a day of saying “No” to kids she will be resentful to have to make this decision also.
I feel scheduling is best, because the decision has already been made and both can look forward to that day. Scheduling sex is especially important for young or busy mothers. Everyone wants a piece of them all day and at night her husband thinks he is entitled to his piece. Scheduling sex allows her to plan and to know what to expect. She knows she has told him yes and he is happy.
She has the freedom to fend off a request for an extra night and just appreciate that he appreciates her. He is more motivated to help in general, but especially so on their intimacy night(s). Scheduling gives them both an opportunity, all day, to anticipate seeing and being with each other. Husband is smug all day knowing “tonight is the night and he has a lover that is good.” He comes home in a good mood and will help around the house.
For five years I have not had a single sex argument with my wife.
After 25 years of having them regularly, this is a huge accomplishment. Even more remarkable is that they stopped instantly.
~ Jim Brewster
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I seem to recall you mentioning this in a forum discussion a year or two ago. Thanks for giving some more detail on it.
I’m curious how many kids you had in your house five years ago when this started, and what ages they were?
Ten years of marriage here and we have an 8 year old and a 3 year old. With how crazy her days can get I fear that trying this out would just add one more item for my wife to stress out about. That’s the last thing I want to cause.
It’d be great to hear some testimonies from anyone else who’s had success with something like this.
Jim,
Your 2x/week would be a big improvement from what we have now, and I’d like to try it with my wife if she’s willing. But tell me, do your ‘rules’ permit spontaneous intimacy, and do you have any guidelines about that? Thanks for sharing your story—I can’t believe she let you! 🙂
Best wishes to you both for 30 more years.
Spontaneity is over-rated. We’ve been married almost 27 years and have had scheduled lovemaking for the past three (every other night—no small feat with three kids in the house!). Like Jim, no sex arguments in those three years. Try it, you’ll both like it!
Best idea in the world!!! Been scheduled for years. Thanks for being so open so other couples can benefit. Barry, it takes so much stress away from her.
I am a wife. Married 35 years. 7 kids . We do schedule, and I agree with all the points made in the article above. Everything he said there, I say here. It’s really great!
I have to say I have some serious reservations about this. I find the idea of having to promise sex, regardless of my mood, repulsive. I also feel that it is ridiculous for a wife who is supposed to be cherished by her husband to have to “earn” his help around the house by promising sex. What happens if the garbage man comes on Tuesday?
Who said anything about earning help by promising sex? We’re supposed to adore each other. Scheduling intimacy helps me, the wife, by getting my mind (a woman’s main sex organ) in gear for the fun ahead! If you know it’s on the calendar, I guarantee your mood will be up. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.
I went ahead and brought this up with my wife. She was hesitant at first, which I assumed she would be. But the more she thought about it the more she sees a huge benefit to it.
You see, something I always suspected but never knew for sure was what Jim discussed in number 3. She was always assuming that a long kiss meant I was expecting something that night. Or riding in the car and moving my hand from the gear shift to her leg was me trying to warm her up. She told me it was even worse when I’d do that the day after a fun night together! Her first reaction would be to pull away to discourage me from anything. And the hardest part is I wasn’t trying to warm her up! I like to kiss her, I like to touch her, and honestly most of the time I wasn’t trying to get her in the mood for something. I just love showing her affection! 🙂
Then of course she’d feel pangs of guilt for pushing me away. She’s been carrying this guilt around for years. I’ve known about the guilt for lack of sex, but not about for her pushing me away.
So anyways, I’m looking forward to being able to show her affection and her possibly being able to return it or at least accept it for what it is without having to worry about expectations later. To be able to love on her during the day without her feeling any pressure or stress for the night to come.
To respond to Joanna, I can’t speak for Jim, but for me, my wife always has the right to say no. However, she says she feels she doesn’t want an “out” or an “escape hatch” if you will. We shall see. She knows that one thing I feel strongly about is that she’s not doing anything that she doesn’t want or feel like doing. If she doesn’t want it, I don’t want it.
And while I know I should be helping out around the house no matter how much action (or lack thereof) is going on in the bedroom, I have to shamefully admit that on days when I thought something was going to happen and nothing does, it’s VERY hard to want to do anything helpful for her the next day. Yes that’s selfish of me, wrong, and horrible, but it’s the way it is. Sometimes I can fight it, sometimes I can overcome it and still be a decent help for her, but I don’t think most women can honestly understand what sexual rejection does to a husband. It’s not an excuse, just the truth.
Well, this is very exciting for me. It would be nice to go from once or twice every month or two, to 3-4 times a month (2-3 times a week to me is almost an unreal expectation with kids at home, but if some couples are lucky enough to get that, great for them!). Mary’s comment is very encouraging. It might not be the solution for everyone out there, but I’m hoping it is for my wife and I!
6) It frees me to be able and willing to help around the house. I like my wife more and hate her less because we have this commitment to make love regularly. As a result, I want to help out at home and, in my sinful economy, can feel she deserves (has earned) my help. I now am a better husband and she begins to like me more which makes her a better wife which makes me like her more which ………
God’s Word tells me that my body is not my own, it belongs to my husband….and that his body is not his own, it belongs to me.
We obey that, and because of that are fullfilled upon anything I could ever imagine – my husband is AMAZING.
This whole thought/article is very sad to me – to think that we must schedule the most precious gift that God has given us – like it’s some kind of ‘duty’.
I made a choice long ago to honor my husband by trying to never ignore his request (God given need/desire) for sex.
Because of that, when and if I do say “not tonight” (so rare it’s not funny) he COMPLETELY understands and is gracious about it. I usually make it up to him later anyway!
The result? We have the most amazing sex life, the most amazing marriage. See, what I’m doing is I’m placing his needs above mine – I’m obeying my God and what His Word tells us as wives.
The thought of shrinking away from his advances (hand on leg when driving, etc) breaks my heart. He loves me, he cherishes me – why would I ever, ever resent that…….?
I know I’m about to be pounced on here and most likely ripped apart. But you know what? I have the marriage of my dreams all because I am obeying and honoring my God and His Word….He blesses me daily and I don’t deserve it one bit.
I am so thankful.
(by the way, we’ve been married for 20 years and it only gets better and better every year…thanks Lord!)
Joanna, once again I can’t speak for jim, and I can’t say that he is using “deserves” and “earned” interchangeably. I would guess he is not, but I can see how you’d read it that way. I feel I responded pretty openly and honestly about my personal feelings on it and still stand by it. Not as an excuse but just as the way it is, though I am trying hard to fight it.
Kristy, that’s pretty awesome what you and your husband have. I guess everyone is different and not all women are made the same and have the same desires. Perhaps outside influences don’t effect you the same as my wife. For example she recently shared with me that (i’m paraphrasing here), “sometimes I have kids touching me all day and by night time i’ve had enough touching and just want to be left alone.” she also told me that any kind of love scene on tv or a movie will just put her off completely for the day. I knew they bothered her, and we usually skip them when we’re able to, but I had no clue that it effected her that way.
Then the stress from homeschooling, 3 meals + intermittent snacks, shopping, taking care of the house, part time (at home) job, etc etc all get to her. She’s just not wired like me. I had a 101 degree fever one night but still was ready for action. If I haven’t slept more than a few hours over the course of a week, I’m still up for anything! She’s not the same way though.
So it seems a schedule will work out. I have pretty high hopes for it. I don’t know how spontaneity will come into play, that remains to be seen. For now the ball is in her court for however we progress. Her feelings are more precious and important to me than my desire (sorry, i just can’t call it a need, I don’t feel that’s the right word for it – now it’s my turn to get pounced on!).