Men and Pregnancy

Hey Dad,

My oldest son, Ben and his wife are expecting their first child and our first grandchild. I’ve been thinking about child birth lately and ran across the gems on the web. Try not to laugh!!!

If MEN got PREGNANT!
~ Maternity leave would last for two years….with full pay.

~ There would be a cure for stretch marks.

~ Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

~ Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.

~ Children would be kept in the hospital until potty trained.

~ Men wouldn’t think twins were so cute.

~ Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

~They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

Things Not to Say During Childbirth….
~ Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
~ Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
~ I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
~ If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
~ That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
~  When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
~ You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
~ This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
~ Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
~ Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words.
~ Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.

Ha Ha Ha…

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question?

Q. What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q. What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Q. What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
A. Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

New Dad

Frantic, a new father calls up a doctor, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 5 minutes apart!”
The doctor asked, “Is this her first child?”
Edward was enraged, “No! This is her husband!”

Ouch!

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”
The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.”
“I know, but can’t you give me some idea?” she asks.
“Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”
“Like this?”
“A little more…”
“Like this?”
“No. A little more…”
“Like this?”
“Yes. Does that hurt?”
“A little bit.”
“Now stretch it over your head!”

That’s so D!

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you if its still okay…”
“I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Intimacy is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it at all,” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”