Familyman Steve S Needs Your Help
I am in need of some advice from you and other dads out there. After 13 years of wonderful marriage, my wife and 5 kids (ages 10-1) have never managed to take a true family vacation. Sure, we have traveled for multiple “obligations” where we were obligated to vacation in Kansas for a wedding or other family event (where 95% of the extended family resides). Besides, does anyone every choose to vacation in Kansas? We have also traveled for my work, but my wife and kids vacationed without me during those trips. We live in a fixer-upper that has required more fixing than we expected, particularly in 2010, which has depleted our savings and wiped out any possibility of a big vacation in the near future. We were all OK with our circumstances and started again saving for Disney, DC, the ocean, etc when we received…..the EMAIL (scary music follows).
My siblings are trying to plan a vacation for our parents, their 3 families and our family together. Their solution is to split the cost of the vacation per person; there are 18 people total (9 adults and 9 kids) and we make up 7 of them. The location that they have chosen is nice, but was not on our list of our family top 10 vacation spots. This sibling vacation is going to once again zap any money we are trying to save for my own family vacation. In the meantime, I have 40 windows that are pretty bad so we are trying to balance saving for vacations and windows too.
So here are my options: save for windows or vacations; if I go with vacations, do I disappoint my siblings or my own family? We can’t do it all.
Thank you for your advice and keep up the good work!
OK, Dad…let’s hear your advice.
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First pray.
Then, as you consider your options, evaluate the needs of your “core” family vs. those of your “extended” family.
Vacations with extended family can be wonderful, yet if I haven’t sufficiently defined my core family (i.e., our mission, deep parent-kid and sibling connections, that we are one another’s priority, etc.), it may be best to save up for a more modest “core” family vacation first that serves a unique and critical purpose … replacing windows on a 2- or 3-year plan, replacing them in increments as you can.
You can replace those windows anytime. You can’t get back time with your folks. You’ll be giving your children time with their grandparents; Another thing that will last beyond your lifetime, Lord willing. You will model to your children that sometimes ‘Honor’ is more important than items on your “to do list.”
Sometimes camping out in the backyard is better than Disney! (We went a few years back and my 4 children do not remember much about it. But they sure remember that time that we had smores and nearly “froze to death” camping in the back yard.)
As Mitch said, Pray about it. Read the scriptures and allow the Lord to reveal.
Prayer is always first!!!
From experience: plan for your immediate family vacation. You need it!!! Besides look at how the vacation is being divided – you’re paying for almost half the vacation for everyone, that’s not a fair divide in my book. Unless all participants are working and can pay their share, dividing by people doesn’t work and can only cause hard feelings. (I went on a girls vacation once with several friends. One of the others asked my sister and my sister’s best friend to come too. I ended up paying for them, making my share more then half – it’s still a sore spot for me.)In your case it should be divided by the 4 families (treat mom and dad). I agree with Mitch replace the windows in stages over time, it is much easier and cost efficient then all at once.
Leave and cleave (Genesis 2:24). Go with your wife and kids! But kindly tell your siblings ASAP so they can plan. Also, a vacation doesn’t have to be Disney World. Just something simple to spend time together; staying at a state park with free activities would significantly cut down on costs. The most important thing is to just spend time together. This is coming from a wife 🙂
It can be hard, but your family has to come first and siblings seem to rarely understand each other’s financial situations clearly. Be up front tell them you have higher finanical priorities and while the vacation sounds nice you will not be able to attend. Then as other have said, come up with some doable plans. We have taken several camping vacations, while they have some expenses to them as well, they are significantly less than Disney. Also if you know family or friends that live near someplace you would like to visit contact them. We live in the DC area and have had people visit the area, but not contact us, we would have loved to have hosted them even if it was just for dinner.
I have to say, because of my personal experience, if I were in your shoes, I would choose the family vacation. Five years ago, we participated in a week-long vacation to the Grand Canyon and a Phoenix resort with my in-laws and my parents. We had a blast (as homeschool parents, we were able to go after Labor Day, when the crowds were minimal and the prices were better.) Unbeknownst to all of us (including him) my father-in-law was already suffering from stomach and esophageal cancer. We all went together on the vacation in September, and he was diagnosed, attempted treatment, and died before the end of the year – it all took just two-and-a-half months from beginning to end. My husband (who was extremely close to his father) was devastated, as was my daughter, as this was her first major loss of a beloved family member, her treasured grandpa. To this day (and I’m sure for many years to come) my husband and daughter talk about the memories of that vacation when they talk about my father-in-law. From my point of view, your windows will wait – your family will not. Do what you can to spend as much time as you have here on earth with your loved ones. Even if nothing earth-shaking happens afterward, you will be making treasured memories for yourself and your family that time cannot take away. I don’t know your personal situation, but this is just my humble opinion. Pray for guidance, and I’m sure you will make the right decision for you and your family.
Your wife and children will remember their time spent with you and the memories you make with them will be with them for a lifetime. Your family must come before your extended family, you are responsible for them and will answer to Christ for them, not your siblings. Have your extended family over for a family picnic. But take time away with your wife and children.
Windows? Can this be done little by little.
Your family won’t remember the windows.
Your time with them is short and so precious!
No perfect answer to your questions. This is one of those situations we face as Dads that seems to have multiple answers, all with their own set of pros and cons. And, of course, what is “right” or the “best” choice for one family may be very different for any other family due to individual circumstances. I feel for you brother! The advice that I would offer is to search your heart and see if the Holy Spirit is directing you in one specific way. Often this is difficult to determine because of the distractions of life, but in my experience, if I have been able to filter out those distractions, God usually provides the guidance necessary to make a decision. Then, it becomes a matter of trusting Him and moving forward without continously questioning the decision you made. I think this ends up being perhaps the hardest part. Whatever you decide, I pray that the Lord will work through your decision to provide blessings upon you and your family!
Commit all you have into seeking God and He will take care of leading you in the right direction.Don’t look at what you think is best but what you feel the Holy Spirit is telling you’COLOSSIANS 3:15
Steve,
I too live in a 150 year old fixer upper. My family is also wanting to go to D.C. to see the memorials and museums. I am going to make the memories with my family. The projects will always be there. As far as the extended family vacation If the destination was more desirable to you then you could work something out where your immediate family could go but plan to have some time (couple days) to yourselves. knowing that your descision could disapoint your extended family I think of Proverbs 29:25
The fear of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the LORD shall be safe. Share your heart and be honost with them because ultimately your not responsible for their reaction. On a lighter note I just recently went through most of my windows and added new caulking, paint, and new felt to the storm windows. This made a great improvement already. That will hold me over until I can afford new windows. I plan on doing a room a year becuase most of the rooms have two big windows(some three) in them. Then I can pay as I go. Wish you well!
I also live in a fixer upper We replaced only the windows that were about to fall out. If you have a local Habitat ReStore check them out. I bought used but usable windows for $25 each. A fellow homeschool Dad helped me install them. We take a weekend trip with my wife’s family every fall. It is not on our top 10 list of destinations but we have a good time every year. A vacation is time (valuable time) spent with your family. It does not have to be at a expensive, far away destination. If you look around, I would bet there are lots of opportunities within an hour or two of where you live. If you choose the sibling vacation, enjoy it as much as possible, don’t go into it with a lousy attitude. (This is a good thing to ask for in prayer) and find a time to do something with just your immediate family.
May God Bless and keep you.
Your a wise man to seek other opinions. I need more facts. How much are we talking for the family vacation? How far is the trip? How often do you see these relatives? Are these relatives a good influence on your family? Why is the split by person that’s not fair given the ages of your children (esp the 1 yr old)? I would say by bedroom if you’re staying together. 40 windows what type of house is it? Does the money pit needs to go so you have more money for more important things?
I would say pray first and replace windows one at a time. But I would do vacation with the extended family. My view in life is I want my children to be close when they get older not just while they are kids. What better way to show them that then do go and do something with your siblings, plus grandparents won’t always be around so you have to enjoy them while you have them. Also think of your parents would it bring joy to their heart for you all to be together. We should always try to honor our parents and what better way to show it to your children with you honoring your parents. Also think of how you will feel as a grandparent will you want your children to do their own family vacation when they have children or would you like to stay a close knit family with all your children and their children. Just things to think about. I pray God gives you peace on your decision.
Steve S.,
I have been in this situation myself and made the mistake of making a decision without discussing with my wife. Big mistake, huge mistake. Whatever you do, discuss the options with your wife first.
Grace and Peace,
Toby
Praying first is the most important.
You have three different points…spending time with your family, spending time with your extended family and fixing the windows.
First, you should spend as much time with your family (immediate) as much as possible. They will grow up faster than you can believe.
Second, if you don’t see your extended family except at holidays and/or birthdays,reunions. You might want to consider spending the time with your extended family, because you never know when you might lose someone. This way you are also still spending time with your immediate family and showing your kids that family is always important.
Now the windows, just how much are you going to save in energy (and money) by putting them in? Will you be able to save any money after making the payments? Are the windows really drafty during the winter and really making the house cold? Do you intend to live in the house forever? We were faced with this also (33 windows). after 20 years, they are still not replaced. I finally looked at the total saving of installing the windows, along with the costs of the windows. Even with a 50% savings in energy costs, it wasn’t worth it. The total cost of the windows were around $15,000. The savings was only going to amount to around $10,000 in 20 years. We decided it just wasn’t worth it.
prayer, prayer, and more specific prayer. Your family is your first ministry. Your extended family may not understand this, but taking care of your family needs comes first. We, (my wife and 3 boys 13,11,&9) celebrate our 18 anniversary tomorrow and still are saving and trying to do a real vacation.(Disney or the like.) the weekend camp out or backyard one are sometimes just as good to create a memory. As adults we sometimes think bigger & more are better, when our young ones just want to do something with us.(p.s. we started a Disney fund when my 13 yr. old was months old. just not much ever seems to make it to the jar.) Maybe your extended family could vacation at your house for an old fashion barn building (window style)FAMILY REUNION. Good luck. SCRATCH that there is no luck. May G-D be at the front of your decision. And Todd thanks for the timing of the “Light Bulb” I think we could all use that.
YOUR family first, we have always put our kids first..please..your kids will not stay small I have regretted the missed opportunities
First, let me say I’m glad to see you are being intentional with wanting to spend time with your immediate family (wife and kids). It’s always good to spend time with extended family. Your first responsibility is to your immediate family. You’re not being a bad sibling by choosing to skip out on the big family trip. However, I agree with Debbie that the cost should be split evenly amongst the families, not amongst the individuals, if you decide on the big family trip. If you must choose one over the other, my advice is vacate with just your wife and kids.
Pray about it first…see what God speaks to your heart.
From a earthly/fleshly perspective, I would cherish the time with family. You may never get the chance to be with extended family again.
If you don’t go, and spend money on windows, and should something happen with your family, each time you and your immediate family look at those shinny new windows, you will…well…question your “investment”.
Some things are important in life, others are not. People are important.
Definitely pray about it. That being said let me ask you this, “How well do you get along with your siblings, really?” How much fun is Christmas after a few days?
Do the family thing.Make the memories. Windows can wait.(Use the plastic sheeting for one more winter.