The Revenge of the Dad

Hey Dad,
I just had to write while the iron is hot. It’s therapeutic for me to blab to 10,000 dads that my children are—how do I say this gently? *PIGS!!!!* Our children do chores, and they have responsibilities. We train them, we dole out consequences when they don’t do a job well, we work on specifics, and still, they’re PIGS!!!

The mess that nine people can create is overwhelming at times. We can work all day cleaning up one area, and then, whal-la, like magic, it’s trashed again within about 13 minutes.

So I’ve decided that instead of banging my head against the wall and lamenting this fact, I’m going to—plot my revenge. Yes, sir, I’m not going to get mad, I’m going to get EVEN (add maniacal mad scientist laugh here!!!)

Here’s what I’ve planned so far: First, I have to wait about 20 years until they’re all grown up and out of the house. Then, I’ll go to each of their houses starting with the oldest and work my way down from there.

After a few minutes of light conversation, I’ll say I have to go to the bathroom. Once there, the revenge will begin as I take a perfectly neat tube of toothpaste and squeeze it all over the edges of the sink and then of course leave the cap off for them to find—behind the toilet.

Then, I’ll do my business, not even trying to hit the toilet, and for good measure, I’ll pull off every towel they own from the towel bars and wad them up on the floor.

Man, this is good.

Later, when I know no one’s looking, I’ll take an entire package of Ritz crackers from the kitchen cupboard, crush them in my hand, and sprinkle them all over the floor. Then, I’ll take a jar of peanut putter and scoop out a big glob with my fingers, smear the entire outside of the jar, put it back in the cupboard—and of course, leave the lid for them to find—behind the toilet.

For my entire visit, I’ll go from room to room making messes just like they used to make…but this is the weird part. You see, I’m confident that the more messes I make in their house, the more saddened I’ll be that they are no longer making messes in my house. I will hate having a spotlessly clean house all the time.

I need to stop and think about that for a while.

Talk about irony. The very things that drive us dads crazy now will be the things we will miss the most later.

So, with all that said, my children are still pigs, but somehow just talking to you about my revenge makes me feel better. And, it’s reminded me of what really matters.

Dad, if your children do something that really bugs you, plot a little revenge now, and maybe things will look a little different when you’re done.

You ‘da dad,
Todd