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Jan 03 2008

Top 10 Things Not to Say to Your Wife in the Last Week of Pregnancy

  1. Honey, I don’t mean to alarm you, but have you ever read about anyone actually popping from being so big?
  2. Hey Babe, is it OK that I invited some of the guys from work over to see how big you are? They won’t believe me.
  3. Honey, come in here and see this horse giving birth on TV. Oh, man that looks like that’s gotta hurt.
  4. I challenge you in a touch your toes contest.
  5. Honey, I was just straightening up the bedroom…can you tell me if this is a fitted sheet or a pair of your underwear?
  6. You’re dreading labor?! Do you know how sore my feet get from standing beside you that whole time?
  7. Boy it would be really nice if you went a week or two late so I could watch the six-part mini-series on PBS.
  8. No, I couldn’t eat another bite honey. I ate so much I feel…like you.
  9. Why don’t you go take a nice, relaxing, hot bath? But don’t put much water in the tub because it’ll overflow when you get in.
  10. No, you don’t look huge. “Huge” is such a harsh word…I prefer the term “healthy.”

If you have any other suggestions, post them below!

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92 comments

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  1. Susan

    My dear hubby, during each of “our” six pregnancies, used to sing, whistle and/or do a little dance to “Dance of the Hours” from Fantasia – yup, the part with the dancing hippos. He’d then laugh hysterically at his cleverness. Here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEjPDS8Jp1E Now we’re hoping for grandkids . . . and 2 of our daughters have black belts. I hope he’s careful. :)

  2. Dave

    A client told my (ex) wife “if I was your size, I’d lose some weight.” Her response: “If you were my size, you’d be giving birth next week.” … His wife promptly hit him.

  3. Heather

    Hearing these things when actually pregnant is one thing- imagine if you’re NOT currently pregnant and someone asks, “When are you due?” My advice: don’t ever assume a fat-looking woman is pregnant. You’ll regret it, but not as much as she will!

  4. Jill

    My husband informed me one day that he was bloated and not feeling well – to add to that – he said I had no idea how bad he felt…this was at the end of June in the Carolinas…I delivered our daughter within a week of his comment.

  5. Katie

    Telling hubby I’m pregnant for the first time, all he says is, “cool.”
    5 weeks early, my water breaks. Both hubby and my father say, “She’s just being dramatic and over-reacting. They’re going to send her home.” A few hours later, our baby was out.
    “It’s not real labor until you’re 3 minutes apart.”
    When pregnant with our daughter, “it’d better be a boy!” So I argued that it’s the sperm that decides the gender. He retorts with, “once it’s in your body, it’s outta my hands!”
    When I tell him I’m pregnant with baby #3, he says, “Yeah, I kinda figured. You’ve been really b!#chy lately.”
    He was away on business when baby #3 was on his way. So, I call him and he says, “You’re kidding! I just fell asleep.” I snapped, “Yeah, well so did I!” Poor guy had a 2 1/2 hour drive home!

    I pick on him, but really, he’s such a loving husband and always ALWAYS makes me feel beautiful and attractive while pregnant. Sometimes, though, he speaks just a bit too truthfully! :)

  6. Gabrielle

    My mother tells me at 7 1/2 months pregnant that I’m looking “puffy.” Thanks mom, until you said something I had no idea I had put on some weight. NOT!

  7. MAMA 8

    When I was in labor with our fifth I woke my husband up at about 2:30 and said we needed to go to the hospital. He told me I had never had a baby in the middle of the night before and I wasn’t going to have this one in the middle of the night! (did i mention he makes no sense when you wake him up) finally got him up like an hour later. he wanted to watch a movie! When the contractions got to five min. apart he’s like okay we can go. I said nope too late. Two of my friends delivered him! Incidentally number 8 was born at 1:30 in the morning!

  8. Cheese

    Don’t EVER tell her that it is worse to be the person watching it happen than it is to give birth.

  9. Katrina

    Jonathan- it was ME that said “I don’t think I want to do this” just a couple of hours into labor with our first. My husband looked at me, laughed and said “I think it’s a little late for that now.”

  10. Linda

    I’m very thankful for my husband! After reading all of these bloopers, I don’t remember my husband ever saying anything like these. He always affirmed that he liked me the way I was. I had nine pregnancies.

  11. Renee'

    These comments are refreshing. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way. 9 months with #5.

  12. Very Forgiving!

    While suffering from morning sickness my mother-in-law repeatedly told me that she “never had any morning sickness at all, not even a tinge!” She also told me while in my 8th month with #3 that I was “looking ‘fuller’ but only in the face!”

  13. Lisa

    When pregnant with my first, I asked my accountant husband if my behind seemed bigger to him. He gazed at it assessingly and then casually replied, “Oh maybe by 15 percent or so.”

  14. Cindy

    How about the hubbby who buys a t-shirt for his pregnant wife that says “I’m not pregnant, I’m a watermelon thief”!

  15. Liz

    I had a friend that I haven’t seen for awhile tell me at 34 weeks “you don’t look pregnant, you just look a little chubby.” HELLO

  16. Joshua Gorissen{australia}

    DO NOT EVER SAYBIG’, ‘HUGE’, and never reprimand her for trying to be beautiful, because they see the horrible posters and the worlds attack at them during the time that they are vulnerable they need your praise in their beauty.

  17. crystal

    When a week overdue with our first, my DH discovered the VeggieTales silly song “Water Buffalo”… oops.

  18. josh

    you are wider than beach wale

  19. Rebekah

    My husband was raised around livestock, and knows how messy birth can be, so when I was still pregnant with our first (six months ago) he asked “Can you do it outside?” (We had a home birth.)

  20. jennifer(58)

    I do not know how to teel my husband i am pregnant and i was just thinking i should ask you guys for help i got pregnant a month ago

  21. Heather

    NEVER tell a pregnant woman (whose planning to breastfeed) that soon it will be ‘time to milk the cow’!!

  22. Michelle

    Never tell a woman in labor that she “isn’t in labor”!

    With our 1st born, I had labored a total of 63 hours, before my doctor finally came in to break my water and then ultimately do a c-section. The dr. on staff during that weekend kept telling me that I wasn’t in labor, simply because my body wouldn’t progress beyond 3cm. One of the nurses whispered to me, “I don’t care what anyone else says, you ARE in labor!” (Thank you!)

    Since the dr. on duty wasn’t my dr., and “neither baby nor mother were in distress”, the nurses were told to let me just wait it out, as he wasn’t going to interfere. I confirmed to my husband and family that “I” was in distress!

    At one point, we were sent home, since I wasn’t progressing. While in the shower, barely able to stand due to exhaustion, and with my mother holding the pulsating shower head on my back for pain management, I yelled at my husband passing by that he needed to find our doctor. He reminded me that our dr. wasn’t on duty that weekend, so we had to deal with the dr. that was on staff at the time. I said that I didn’t care and I desperately begged him to find our dr. who said he would be available.

    Later, as I admitted to him that it was time to get some pain medication. He lovingly reminded me that (as I previously instructed him), we were trying to do this without pain meds. I had to tell him with a fierce expression, “Listen to the tone of my voice….I NEED MEDS!”

    Never question a woman in labor!

  23. Casey and Kitty Robinson

    Her (9 months pregnant): I’m not wearing this dress to church. It makes me look huge!”
    Him (short on brain cells): It’s not the dress, Honey.”

  24. Terri

    When I was 9mos. pregnant we had just gotten home from seeing “Finding Nemo” when my husband started talking in a very loud, drawn out voice, saying “IIIIIIIII Looooooooooove Yooooooooooou”

    I asked “WHAT are you doing?

    His reply “I’m talking WHALE to you!” (mimicking Dory from the movie)

    I said, “Ummm do you think it is very wise to talk WHALE to your 9mo. pregnant wife?”

    Realizing his error, he sheepishly answered “no, no it’s not”

  25. Julie

    I’m 28 weeks pregnant with #4 and our 6-yo son said to me the other day when I backed up into him, “Whoa, Big Mama almost squooshed me!” Or another one is he’ll poke me in the butt cheeks and say, “Bouncy”. Out of the mouth of babes! It’s a good thing he’s so cute!!

    But if I hear another person say (or give me the “suprise” look), “You’re only ____ weeks?! You’re not due until April?!?!?” I may just smack them!! LOL!!

  26. ToddM

    Before my wife went into labor for #1 she bragged how high her tolerance for pain was. Well, during labor things turned from bad to worse as it became apparent the baby was not in the “right” position for a “routine” delivery. As the pain increased so did my wife’s writhing on the bed. Suddenly she blurted out something that sounded like “I learned my lesson!” My heart sank. She became more distressed (like how much more distressed could she get at this point?) and repeated it again. My spirits lifted when I discovered that what she had originally said was “I need more medicine!” As I went to find the nurse I thought (but thankfully did not say) “How’s that tolerance for pain holding up?”

    We have not learned our “lesson” as #5 is now 7 months old!

  27. Daughter in law

    My mother in law told me while I was in my seventh month that she didn’t even gain 1/2 as much as I had! She also told me at one point that the x daughter in law would never have gotten pregnant because she was scared to ever get fat!!!

  28. Jerr-Man

    When my wife was awoken at 3:30 a.m. for an emergency c-section after being in the ICU for a week with pre-eclampsia… she went into a bit of shock. I, being the sound sleeper (I sleep like the dead) that I am… rolled on my back – awake but just not ready to move. Nurses were streaming back and forth and action was happening when my wife said in a very stern tone – GET UP WE ARE HAVING THE BABIES. I told her, “Quit freaking out woman.”

    Let’s just say she was not happy.

  29. Blondie

    When doing laundry the other night, my mother come over to help me out. She asked me if I wash my underwear with my husband’s and I said yes. Then she made a comment of that’s how I ended up pregnant. I just laughed my head off.

  30. roy

    How come half these dads have girly names

  31. Ed Elliott

    For those of you old enough to have seen Baby Huey cartoons, you’ll like this…my wife was very close to delivering our 1st and we were walking to a restaurant when I said, “Honey, you kinda got a “Baby Huey” thing going there.” I survived to have a 2nd.

  32. RustyH

    My regrettable response to my wife was during the birth of #5. I shushed her because she said something harsh to the midwife. The midwife just patted me on the back, smiled, and walked away while my bride now turned on me. Whoops!

  33. MikeR

    My wife and I were expecting our first and she was gaining weight rapidly while I was losing weight rapidly. Just about every night I would get on the scales and say “I’ve lost another (x) number of pound(s).” If looks could kill…
    It was soon after I found out I was diabetic.

  34. terri

    42 years ago when my mom delivered his third daughter my dad,who wanted a boy,was in the waiting room and they had a new innovation-a speaker so the wife could tell him what it was…the doctor said “tell him what it is” and mom said “NO”, after three go-rounds she finally said “it’s a girl” and dad said “you goofed!”

  35. Andy

    As we were in the operating room, 10 minutes into an emergency C-section, we heard a small, sharp cry as our daughter took her first breath… and my wife looked over at me, tears in her eyes, and said, “Is it mine?!”

  36. Mitch

    When my wife was carrying our daughter, she carried her totally different than our other two. She kept asking me how she looked and then it hit me, JACKIE GLEASON! I said it out loud of course, not the right thing to say. She emphatically stated “That’s not what I was thinking!”

  37. Cara

    During both of our pregnancies my husband commented how I hardly looked pregnant – until the 8th month, but then suddenly he couldn’t get past me in the doorway. This was usually said while he was behind me, so I couldn’t get him.
    My father though used to laugh and say, “they know what causes that now.”

  38. Rachel

    I was playing a board game with my in-laws at one point and a question was asked, “If Rachel were a flying object, what would she be?”…three out of five choose blimp.

  39. Jodi

    My husband (bless his heart) has said lots of dumb things. But I’ll always remember my father in law telling me, in front of everyone, at a family gathering that I was wearing a very pretty circus tent.

  40. Not as young as he looks

    We were dining in a restaurant with our newborn when the lady across smiled and asked if he was our first. I smiled the proud mother grin and said, “No, he’s our fourth.” She replies, “But they’re not all HIS are they”, much to my mortified dismay. She thought my husband looked too young to have 4 – and he’s six years older than me!

  41. Very Content with 2

    With our first child, I was due the first (and only) year the Bucs made it to the Super Bowl- which was Jan 26th. Our family has several birthdays on the 26th (including me and my brother). My dad called me the week before very concerned to tell me that if I went into labor on that day (26th), they would be there the next day (they had an 8 hour drive to get to me).

    Fortunately, my son was born on the 30th. Maybe if I had another one during football season, the Bucs would go to the Super Bowl…(not happening)

  42. Char

    When your wife is in labor, laying on a bedpan,trying not to fall off the gurney, don’t invite the “old buddy of mine I just saw walking down the hall!” in to meet her! Happened 33 years ago – still talking about it!

  43. Ryan Boomershine

    Thanks. My wife is due today with our fourth son.

  44. Vienna

    Don’t tell her she’s lying about being pregnant. Upon rising one morning I found the pregnancy test was positive for our second child. My husband was shaving and not quite awake when I went to inform him of the happy news. (I know better than to talk to him before 9 am, but this was an exception.) Apparently, “Honey the test was positive,” came out “blah, blah, blah” because there was no reaction from him except “hmm”. So in front of a mirror with a razor at his throat I pushed the test in front of his face. That got his attention alright. He screamed, jumped back three feet and proceeded to tell me it wasn’t funny to use the test from our first pregnancy to scare him. Not only was I annoying him by lying as well?

  45. Vicki

    This was not my husband, but a kind older lady I met in a restaurant when I was 12 days OVERDUE with my first child.

    “Congratulations dear! I remember what joy those first few months were. When in December are you due?” He was born mid-July — the very next day.

  46. DeLyssa

    “Your not in labor.” We had just bought a house while pregnant with #2 and there was a lot of garbage to haul out of the yard. The mid-wife happened to be there when I started having contractions. He informed her and me that I was not in labor but it was false labor. I could not be in labor because he had a truck load of garbage to haul to the dump. Thankfully for him it did happen to be false labor but he has yet to live it down.

  47. Sally

    When I was in labor with our second child, the nurses suggested that my husband take me for a walk around the hallway, in the hopes that that would help “speed things along”. So, after they detached me from the monitor, I got down off the bed and immediately doubled over with a contraction. My husband,looking from me to the monitor screen, said (in complete seriousness) “what’s the matter? you’re not having a contraction now – see?” Of course my resonse was “I guess I know if I’m having a contraction or not – AND I’M NOT HOOKED UP TO THAT THING RIGHT NOW!” Lucky he’s pretty lovable…

  48. John T

    Folks, funny stuff – thanks for the input. God bless you ladies for going through pregnancy and labor. Don’t say she looks like the SONAR dome on the front of a Navy Guided Missile Cruiser.

  49. Jane

    The day I went into labor with our first, my husband had spent all day moving dirt to make our landscape beds. I labored for about 12 hours and then pushed for 3. After our son was born, my husband looked at me and said, “I’m so tired!” I looked at him like he was crazy and told him he had no idea what tired felt like!

  50. Belinda

    Husbands, don’t say this before,during or after pregnancy.My husband told a sister n law this about me- I use her for shade during the summer and warmth in the winter!

  51. Tracey

    This question was asked of me for all four pregnancies :
    WOW! How many days do you have left?”
    Answer : “90! I have 90 days left!”

  52. Mindy

    We have 2 children and I was induced with both and chose to have epidurals with both. With our first child, they let the epidural wear off so I could push, but with the second, they didn’t get there with the epidural until 15 minutes before he was born! My husband said, “Since you had the epidural for the beginning of the first delivery and the end of the second delivery, it’s like you just had one kid.” No honey, it’s like I had two….

  53. Jennifer

    “Look! She’s as big as a barge.”

  54. Rose

    Our first daughter (third child) was born the night before our 9th anniversary at 9:18 pm after 28-1/2 hours of natural childbirth. My beloved husband looked at me and asked “Can’t you wait a few more hours?” :-) Still love him after 24 years and 8 blessings!

  55. lc

    My grandfather, hoping for another male to carry on the family name, said after his 5th granddaughter was born “Take it back” Another Don’t. Give a heads up to anyone who might consider such a thing!

  56. Judy

    My dad used to ask me if he needed to get the wheel barrell out to help get me around.

    And I often got the question “when were your twins due?”

    We have nine blessings and each and every one caused some type of funny quote. Thankfully, my husband knew better than say too much about my great size. My nine children weighed from 7 lbs. 15 oz. to 11 lbs. 9 oz.

  57. Christy

    When I told someone I was pregnant (with our 5th), she looked at me and said, “How old are you anyway?”
    As for that last trimester comment, I get tired of people telling me to “sleep now, ‘cause soon you’re going to be deprived.” Like I intentionally wake up and can’t get back to sleep! Thanks so much for the advice, I think by now I know how this works!

  58. Dawn

    My husband told me to “hold it down” while in labor. He was watching the March Madness basketball play offs. (Almost 16 yrs. ago)

  59. Maria

    Please don’t say “Do you think you will ever get back down to your original size?”

  60. Pete

    My wife is currently in her 33rd week and usually goes early. So, being a big Packer fan in the midst of the NFL Playoffs, I had to ask to ask my wife to hold off at least until after the Superbowl. That makes sense, Right?!

  61. Meg

    I can recommend NOT making beeping noises (like a large truck) when she backs up. My brother only chanced it because he was convinced he could run faster scared than I could mad & pregnant.

  62. Kelley

    My husband is a true American Cowboy, and works on a large ranch. I constantly heard his comments about, “Don’t worry dear, I’ve delievered lots of calves, I’ll just get the calf puller, and everything will be alright.” Our last child, he actually did deliver, but thankfully left out the “calf puller.”
    But what’s even worse, is after the birth of our second son, my first born said to me. “Gee mom, you’re still fat, you gonna have another baby?” sigh….

  63. Angela

    My husband liked to chant, “Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum!” as I walked through a room!

  64. Jeff

    I accompanied my wife on her doctor’s visits and towards the end of our first pregnancy, as she stepped on the scale, I exclaimed without thinking, “Wow, you weigh more than I do now!” I believe that if there weren’t witnesses there she would have killed me on the spot.

  65. Martha

    How about 10 min before the actual birth, in transition, my husband looked at the monitor and seeing not a lot of change… as it was really one huge contraction that never ended and said, “I don’t know what you are complaining about. It doesn’t hurt that much, the line isn’t moving.”
    And that was the child that I took no medication for!

  66. twoozle

    During each of my 4 pregnancies, I lost count on how many times I heard my dad say,(after pushing away from the dinner table)“boy, you look like how I feel!”

  67. Barbara

    So not actually a pregnancy faux pas, but when I was nursing my new born (years ago now) my father in law liked to tell me how I reminded him of Opa in Holland during the war coming across a field of dairy cows that had been forgotten and abandoned during the war, and how he heard their bellowing and felt compassion on them and milked them right there….I don’t recall bellowing, but maybe… :-)

  68. Michelle

    My husband said the same thing as above- and we now are expecting # 7!!!

  69. Laura

    I have 2 “gems” from my husband during my first pregnancy:
    1. At my 6th month check-up he sweetly suggested that I had “gained enough weight now” (At that point I had only gained about 8 pounds altogether)
    2. Reminding me at 11:00 pm after 3 hours in labor that he had a group of friends coming over at 7:00 am to help him put a new roof on our house and he really needed to get home to get some sleep. (Hello!! Whose idea was it to put a new roof on with a baby due any day now???)

  70. Gina

    We are due in 4 weeks with # 3 and my husband looked at me the other day and said “I bet you are 4 ft. around”! Later, getting ready for bed there ‘happened’ to be a measuring tape on the dresser and he actually measured me! lol! I thought it was funny. BTW, he was about right on in his estimate! hehe

  71. Mandy

    When told I needed to meet my Dr. at the hospital early Sunday morning, I beeped my husband so he would call me and I could tell him (He worked an early shift at a golf course). After beeping him 3 times I punched in 911! He called and I told him we were to get to the hospital. He said “I just thought you wanted to know what I wanted you to iron for me to wear to church.” Um, no. In his defense it was 4 weeks early, but I was 5 cm when we arrived. I did not want to iron!

  72. Melissa

    Or, the moment your wife tells you she is pregnant with #2 and you say, “Ok, but this is it, right?” (By the way, we now have 3).

  73. Ryan

    I am truly thankful for all 4 of our blessings but for some reason when my wife first informed me we were expecting our first, I had a DMS (Dumb Male Syndrome) moment. Instead of some loving or spritual response of joy, I took charge with the first course of necessary logistical action and with a very serious look I sternly said, “OK then, from now on, I’ll change the cat litter.” Maybe it was the 8 years in the military? They still laugh at me.

  74. Patsy

    My husband was raised on a dairy farm…which meant he was around cows more than people and helped “deliver” quite a few baby calves. All through my 4 pregnancies/deliveries, he kept using examples of cows…“there was this one cow…” Though I knew he meant well, don’t do this guys…

  75. Mike

    Step Aside, please….what, you already did?

  76. Pat

    “You know, honey, the Dr. did say that 42 weeks is normal, so you could have 3 weeks to go yet!”

  77. Angie

    My husband has called me a Buddha, A milkmade and he told me “When you get de-calf-inated…” We have five kids, and a great marriage, but… Like an elephant(good thing he never said that!) I will never forget – nor will he ;)
    But my dad was worse – when my mom was in labour with me 32 years ago, my dad picked up a hitchhiker “to help deliver the baby. Well, just in case, Hon! Geesh, Dad. Are you nuts!)Really happened. Men – don’t do it!

  78. JR

    My husband and I were both in front of a very large mirror and he was lamenting the fact that he had put on some weight. He commented, “Man, I look as bad as YOU do.”
    Still love him after 22 years, but just like an elephant (physical characteristics aside), I will NEVER forget.

  79. Claude

    Man, I need to get a picture of you sideways,because after the baby is born you won’t believe how big you were! Let’s take it on the stairway,so we can count the railing posts.
    Now,(21 years later) where is that picture?

  80. Kenny

    Never draw a picture of a whale or hippo and ask her “does this look familiar?”

  81. Duane

    Not a good moment here, but with baby #2 I asked her “Do all pregnant women complain as much as you do?”
    Yes, I was serious (and sober), yes, I still hear about it, and yes we are due in 3 weeks with #4!

  82. Sara

    My personal favorites are “you’re pregnant AGAIN”… and “haven’t you had that baby YET?” Obviously. smack

  83. Eileen

    Called my sisiter to say I was in labor and needed to be driven 3 miles froom the Dr. to the hospital as I was 6 centimeters dialated and every few minutes. She said “Can I finish my meeting first?”

    I said no. Andy was born about 2 hours later.

  84. Jonathan

    Walking into the delivery room, “are you sure you want to do this?”

  85. Brian

    Never try to be sweet and mention the words you look like a cute whale to your pregnant wife floating on an inner tube in a lake. I’m still hearing it 17 yrs later.

  86. Greg

    My good-humored wife even laughed when I would whistle the “reverse beep” that large trucks have whenever she would back up…

  87. Becky

    This actually happened too…After a false alarm on Friday night, my husband is driving me to the hospital on Monday night and looks at me with a doubtful expression and says, “Are you really sure this is it? I have a tons of customers to see this week and this is just not a good time for me!” That was four years ago and I never tell this story to pregnant friends for fear of causing a public stoning.

  88. Anonymous (Chicken)

    11. Wow honey! You think you’re big up front, you should see it back here.

  89. PastorDave

    LOL! Thanks for the list — that will come in VERY handy as my wife is due with blessing #4 in about 3 1/2 weeks! I’ll keep your list in mind! I’m sure it will keep me out of trouble.

  90. David

    When your pregnant wife is trying to get off the couch or out of the bed DO NOT make wierd animal type noises, like “mooing” as this tends to anger them.

  91. Steven

    This actually happened…When my wife called to tell me she was in labor I said, “Are you sure? Because my project at work isn’t done yet, and I could really use another week to work before the baby comes.”
    That was 8 years ago and my wife still tells the story to pregnant friends.

  92. Karen

    One more thing NOT to say is “You are so huge…..are you sure there are not 2 babies in there??”

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