Top 10

Hey Dad,

This Mom needs our help. Here’s what she wrote: “I do not know how to tell my husband I am pregnant and I was just thinking I should ask you guys for help to tell him I got pregnant a month ago”. ~Jennifer (58)

So…I thought our advice should come in the form of a Top 10 Ways to tell your husband you’re pregnant…when you’re 58 years old.

1. Honey, I don’t mean to alarm you, but have you ever read about anyone actually popping from being so big?
2. Hey Babe, is it OK that I invited some of the guys from work over to see how big you are? They won’t believe me.
3. Honey, come in here and see this horse giving birth on TV. Oh, man that looks like that’s gotta hurt.
4. I challenge you in a touch your toes contest.

1. Proper hand gear — latex gloves or a hazmat suit
2. Proper Footgear — surgical booties, muck boots, or hip waders
3. Proper breathing gear — Industrial gas mask or shoot a squirt of air freshener up each nostril followed by a big cork or clothes pin
4. Install plastic on all pathways from beds to the bathroom. Better yet, remove all the carpet in the house.

1. Dadddd, he’s touching me!
2. Dadddd, he’s looking at me!
3. Dadddd, he’s breathing on me!!!
4. Cool! There’s a police car behind us and its lights are flashing.

1. You’re always asked to be Santa Clause at the company Christmas party.
2. Your four year old asks if you’re having a baby.
3. You haven’t actually seen your shoes ON your feet in years.
4. The “spare tire” around your mid-section looks like it belongs at a Monster Truck Rally.

1. The dog’s latest “gift”
2. Klingon dating rituals
3. Chewing tobacco
4. Precious moments figurines

1. Carry a small pop-rivet gun in your pocket. If the need arises, rivet your lips together.
2. Carry a large hammer in your pocket. If the need arises, knock yourself out with the hammer.
3. Practice image reinforcement. When your wife begins talking, picture yourself chained to a doghouse for a whole week.
4. Plan for the future. Make an appointment today to have your tongue surgically removed.

1. You’ve been getting hot flashes, and you’re a man.
2. You wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather.
3. Pigs complain about sweating like fat humans.
4. You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
5. The swans in the park come in “original recipe” and “extra crispy.”

1. The rear defogger broke, so pushing it in winter makes for cold hands.
2. The french fries, burger wrappers and paper cups no longer keep out the water when it rains.
3. The city asks you to sell it or either apply for recognition as a historical landmark.
4. Someone asks you the color of your car and you cannot remember.
5. You avoid neighborhoods with posted noise ordinances.

1. “IT’S A GUY THING”
   
   Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
2. “CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
   
   Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
3. “UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”
   
   Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
4. “IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
   
   Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”