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1. Dadddd, he’s touching me!
2. Dadddd, he’s looking at me!
3. Dadddd, he’s breathing on me!!!
4. Cool! There’s a police car behind us and its lights are flashing.

1. You’re always asked to be Santa Clause at the company Christmas party.
2. Your four year old asks if you’re having a baby.
3. You haven’t actually seen your shoes ON your feet in years.
4. The “spare tire” around your mid-section looks like it belongs at a Monster Truck Rally.

1. The dog’s latest “gift”
2. Klingon dating rituals
3. Chewing tobacco
4. Precious moments figurines

1. Carry a small pop-rivet gun in your pocket. If the need arises, rivet your lips together.
2. Carry a large hammer in your pocket. If the need arises, knock yourself out with the hammer.
3. Practice image reinforcement. When your wife begins talking, picture yourself chained to a doghouse for a whole week.
4. Plan for the future. Make an appointment today to have your tongue surgically removed.

1. You’ve been getting hot flashes, and you’re a man.
2. You wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather.
3. Pigs complain about sweating like fat humans.
4. You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
5. The swans in the park come in “original recipe” and “extra crispy.”

1. The rear defogger broke, so pushing it in winter makes for cold hands.
2. The french fries, burger wrappers and paper cups no longer keep out the water when it rains.
3. The city asks you to sell it or either apply for recognition as a historical landmark.
4. Someone asks you the color of your car and you cannot remember.
5. You avoid neighborhoods with posted noise ordinances.

1. “IT’S A GUY THING”
   
   Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
2. “CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
   
   Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
3. “UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”
   
   Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
4. “IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
   
   Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”

1. Learn to play the flute and start walking down the road (it worked in Ireland)
2. Don’t get rid of them – learn to co-habitate with all living things.
3. Grab the little rascals by the scruff of the neck and teach the kids proper ‘coon punting techniques (this one may not go over too well with the animal lovers in the house) (also make sure someone gets it on film – AFV loves this stuff).

You know you’re a man, if you answer “C” to ALL of the following questions.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: